May or May Not Have

I think we used up all our funny this weekend. I have never laughed so hard in my life (other then an incident that involved poker, cake, Michael Bolton and dog food but that's a story for another day). I'm not sure if it was the hot (32-38 degree Celsius) weather, the steady stream of alcoholic beverages or just the fact that I was with people I love to be around but holy hell was it a fun trip.

Although there are a few fuzzy details (why was the joke about roofies so hilarious? Who first started comparing Larry to Chuck Norris? Why did we decide that swimming through the lake in pitch black night was far safer then traipsing through the woods to return to the boat?) I guess some things we'll just never know.

In light of the weekend, and since I seem to always have a list once a week here is:

I May or May Not Have:

Left the Following on O/N's Boat (he was there for a stag):

• 1 leg warmer
• 2 pink & black gauntlet gloves
• 1 black skirt
• 1 rabbit tail
• 4 beaded shot glasses
• 1 gold flip-flop
• 1 sailor hat
• 2 bikini ties
• My singledom (more on that another day)

Used the Following Sentences:

• Damage deposit...? Well, what happens if we lose the boat? ( I was dead serious)
• I only call you bitches 'cuz I don't know y'all individually
• Listen you douche-monkeys
• Nobody can die on my watch. Promise? It's almost Co-Captains turn so lets jump off the edge then.
• Who knew a mag light was water proof!? What? It's not? Shit.
• Larry doesn't throw up when he drinks too much...He throws down!
• Well your damage deposit may be gone...but so are we...ha!
• It's wabbit-hunting season (while dressed like a playboy bunny)
• Two men...one toothbrush

Done the Following:

• A keg stand, after which I promptly projectile vomited beer, then did another.
• Hit my head on a ceiling fan and loudly announced that I was "concussed"
• Woken up, poured & drank a Gin caesar, then gone back to bed on the top deck
• Thought I was going to die on the way home when our driver, going 200 in the pouring rain decided it would be funny to start poking her bf. Around the mountains. While passing another car.

So August-long anyone...?

This Is Your Captain Speaking

Picturesque mountains surround the calm, crystal clear blue lake. Water trickles from high in the porous rocks. In the distance a seagull floats gently on a gust of wind. Welcome to the Shuswaps, located in the heart of beautiful British Columbia. Please step on board, take a seat and relax.

On the menu for this evening is a steady diet of Vodka, mixed with water and a touch of lime. Be sure you've dressed in your 80s finery and have those ponytails teased and ready.

Tonight we go back to the glory days of music. The neon colors and big hair; the leggings, stir-ups and leg-warmers of yester-year. Let me just park this rig over here on this sandy beach, next to the other houseboat full of people ready to party.

Tomorrow we'll all wake up hungover, but not to fear - I'll have caesars at the ready for all 14 of you. Whats that you say? Why yes, we will be floating around the lake all day today, relaxing in our hot tub with the music blaring and radio-ing other boats to make sure there are plenty of hot men in stock.

Not to worry, Saturday is playboy bunny night, so make sure you wear your hottest little bikini (but if it's hotter then mine I'll be pissed). The party at Nielson beach tonight will consist of, oh maybe 100 other boatloads of people, disco on the beach, a live band, a foam party, hot tubs, bikinis, fireworks, and Vodka...let's not forget the Vodka.

Sunday perhaps we'll take it easy in the hot tub again. The men with the parasailing boat should be swinging by any time now for those of you who would like to go for a little ride. If parasailing isn't your thing, there are seadoos and speedboats a plenty. Water-skiing anyone?

Don't forget that today is Sexy Sailors and Pirates themed so get those navy and white bikini and stilettos out. Yes, it's perfectly acceptable to be wearing stilettos on a rocking boat and the sandy beach. Silly question! Can I make you another beverage?

Welcome to your July long weekend...

Hell In A Handbasket

Sometimes I start to think about "Reasons Why I'm Going to Hell". After the first ten or twenty I just try to stop thinking about it, while rocking back and forth and slowly chanting : "I'm a good person, I'm a good person".

Here are my latest reasons:

1. Sometimes I pretend to be pregnant (by holding a hand protectively over my stomach and walking leaned back a bit with a discernable waddle) on the bus or train. My 4" heels are pissing me off and I just want a seat.

2. I always hope that no one else makes it to the elevator in time before the door shuts. This could stem from my hatred of loud-breathers (especially when in close quarters) or from the fact that I don't want to stop on every floor on the way up to my own.

3. I give people makeovers in my head. I imagine different hair colors, what kind of makeup I would put on them, the clothes that I would dress them in. This is fully, totally a narcissistic I'm-better-than-you attitude and I'm fully aware of that. I still do it.

4. I blog at work. I act like I'm sooo busy half the time and that my job is stressing me out when really it's only certain people that stress me out. My job can be stressful for sure but mainly it's the unrealistic expectations that are put on me, not the job itself.

5. I date like a guy.

I've lived with two boyfriends, (one for two years even!) and was the one to break up with both. In fact I think I've broken up with pretty much all of my boyfriends. There is one guy I can think of where I truly felt like I was acting like a girl sometimes and that's pseudo-bf - only in the last few months and only because he was the only guy I can think of who didn't want to seriously date/move in together/whatever.

With Pseudo-bf I always had the thrill of the chase. I guess that gets old though. One of these days I may actually want to settle and guess what? Karma is a bitch.

6. I've borrowed items from friends and 'forgotten' to return them. They will eventually get them back, it's just that that black dress is so perfect for that party next weekend. Those cargo's? Who knew they'd make my ass look so good?

7. I have, on occasion, tried to blame a minor slipup on someone entirely blameless. "I'm SURE I gave that report to you to file. No? Hm, that's weird. I could have sworn I did." Then I get back to my office and find said report on the bottom of one of my great heaping piles.

8. I may or may not have accidentally set a golf course on fire one time.

9. I return my really late books to the library by sneaking them in and putting them back on the shelf. I then go to the front and whine that I know I have returned that book and could they please check their system again. (ed note: This also works for late movies).

And the number one reason I'm going to hell:

10. I don't believe in hell.

However, if I were to go there, it would be a really cold place where no one wore high heels and we were forced to listen to Al Gore talk about how great he is, watch him shine his Nobel Prize while he is spending his millions of dollars heating each of his homes and driving around all his SUVs to get to his private jets so he can fly off and talk about how global warming is bad. We'd also all be forced to eat things like pigs feet, calf's liver, tripe and chicken claws. Oh, and water chestnuts. I hate water chestnuts.

Things I Hate About Monday

• Not having quite recovered from the weekend
• Feeling like pulling on old comfy lulus and curling up in the fetal position upon waking at 6:30 am...The feeling doesn't go away all day.
• Trying to tell my coworkers about my weekend while having to omit all the funny/interesting stories for fear of reprimand and looking unprofessional. Basically I tell them what I did between 10 and 5 - which is...nothing.
• Realizing that the piles of papers on my desk aren't going to miraculously disappear. Apparently just because you ignore something, it doesn't actually go away.
• It's Monday, 'nuff said.