Waiting (Part One)

I work part time in a restaurant. Mostly I do this for fun, also because the average age of people in my office hovers somewhere between Harrison Ford and the Crypt Keeper. Um also, there are some good looking eye-candy men in the restaurant biz. Oh ya plus there's the fact that I can't afford my lifestyle on a one person salary. Love buying shoes y'all.

Anyway usually I go in once a week, work a few hours, make some money, gossip, it's all good. Occasionally I get asshole "guests" (not allowed to call them customers). I'm not going to bitch about money/tips because that isn't why I work there (although $6 on $104? Really? Really?)

Instead, here are a few helpful pointers for my lovely guests.

• When I am bringing over your food, please allow me to place it on the table before grabbing food off of it like a starving hyena. While I understand that the fries are delicious and that you have, apparently, not eaten in a week, today is not the day I want to go to emergency with 3rd degree burns because you couldn't wait two more seconds to stuff your face.

• On a similar note: if I say the plate is hot, it is advisable for you to NOT grab it immediately. I'm not sure if you think I'm playing a little joke on you but rest assured I'm not standing behind you with another server giggling over the fact that you actually believed me and now refuse to touch your plate. If I'm giggling over anything it's the fact that I just won ten bucks by betting that you'd touch it in under five seconds.

• If you are on medication or otherwise "intoxicated", it might be best to go home, curl up in your bed (fetal position is highly recommended) and have a good sleep. Our booths may be comfortable and all but nothing beats waking up at home. You know, as opposed to at my table, in a plate of mashed potatoes.

• I appreciate it when you are understanding! It's nice to see your happy smiling face patiently waiting for me to grab your diet pepsi with three ice cubes and a lime and the water, no ice with a lemon. Can I offer you a peppermint tea with honey and milk or perhaps you'd like some hot fucking water with a side of kiss my ass?

• If there is a sign that says "Seat Yourself" well by all means - go for it! Live a little, maybe grab a table that's close to the kitchen so you can hear the profanities spewing from the mouths of the cooks! Maybe try a high table with stools (you rebel)! If however, there is no sign, or a sign that says "Please Wait to Be Seated" why not wait for the goddamn host/ess. She/he will be delighted to escort you to a table (usually of your choice). There IS a system, we KNOW there are empty tables - feel free to sit in one if you like waiting for an hour to be served - because there is no server in that section.

• I don't mind changing up the food a bit. You're on a low-carb diet? Aren't we all - so no potatoes for you, great! And your friend has an allergy to shellfish? Ok, super I will let the cooks know and we'll keep those pesky shrimps away from ya. No worries. Oh, little Billy wants the pasta but with tomato sauce instead? Consider it done. Now Grandma, as for your request for something that fits in with your gluten-free, low-sodium, no butter, allergic to nuts and garlic, hate cilantro, can't digest sugar and vegetarian diet...here is your water. Enjoy!