Sunday

Moving Forward (Like Toyota - Only Not as Unexpectedly)

I've lived in Average-Land for almost 3 years now and just as I've moved IRL, I think it's appropriate to move online. I feel like I've outgrown this home. I'm in Vegas right now, about to leave for Mexico. In honor of this journey I'm starting a new blog - a new platform for my writing and a fresh start to get the creative juices flowing (gross, I hate that saying).

I'm going un-anonymous because I pretty much suck at it anyway. What kind of anonymous blogger posts her pictures and a VIDEO with her real name? So there's that.

Introducing: Connecting the Black Dots

What happens when a city girl from the Great White North packs up her life (minus 80 pairs of heels, minus ¾ of her clothes, minus any sense of what she's doing) and heads to the coffee coasts of Central America?

I have no idea, but this is my journey to connect the black dots on the map.

Also, my new 20SB page is here: Profile

My new Twitter name is: @JenBetweenDots

Friday

Paradise Hunter


Aka: my DREAM job!

I just found out about this competition and it's absolutely freaking perfect! It's to be the host of a travel show called Paradise Hunter. The cut-off for applying is today and since I only just found out about it, I submitted my video yesterday - eep!

I need your help - please click the link, watch my video and vote for me! You can vote once a day for the next week and since I'm really late applying, I need all the help I can get:

http://www.paradisehunter.com/vote/Jen.johnson.html


This would be the most amazing thing ever, so c'mon click through and vote!

PS - you don't have to put your name and email address in, just the verification code and hit vote. Thanks everyone!

Life Lessons

My dad and I drove down to Vegas from Calgary this week, with a detour to Yellowstone National Park. It was a long drive but beautiful and we had a really good road trip. My dad made me laugh unintentionally a million times; he reminds me of $#*! My Dad Says.

For example when he was in the hospital a few months ago, my sisters and I went to visit him around 11 am:

Dad: "I hate it here. They won't let me shower. And I haven't even gotten a paper today"
Me: "Want me to run downstairs and grab one for you?"
Dad: "No! Why would I want this morning's paper? That's old news."

I thought I'd share some of his road trip wisdom.

On Saving a Couple Bucks:

I go to turn off the lights as we're leaving the hotel

Dad: "Don't turn out no lights, they can god damned well pay for that electricity. Cheap bastards don't even include breakfast."

We're running out of gas and see a turn off, the next sign says Gas - 5 Miles

Dad: "I'm not driving 5 bloody miles to get gas! What the hell kind of a scam is this? I'd rather run out."

On Law Enforcement:

Dad: "I've never gone through Idaho without getting a ticket. It's like driving in BC" (where he gets a ticket. Every. Single. Time.)

5 seconds later, the speed limit = 55 mph:

Dad: "I think that's a cop...should I fly by him at 65? ...I'm gonna."

Outside the Idaho border

Me: "Well! You made it through Idaho without getting a ticket!"
Dad, sounding forlorn: "It's a new record."

On Being A Dad

As we're leaving the hotel I realize I forgot my swimsuit in the last hotel, sadly 400 miles behind us

Dad: "Don't forget nothin' again. I didn't think I had to be following you around like a little baby. I don't wanna hear no more sob stories."

On Religion

Upon arriving in Utah I note the slogan is "The Elevated State"

Dad: "That's because we're in Mormon country. You can't walk 2 feet without tripping over one"

I asked why they have these signs
:

Me: "What's with the beehives?"
Dad: "Bees are really religious animals"
Me: "...how come?"
Dad: "because they swarm."

On Sightseeing

I asked if we were going to be near the Grand Canyon and if so can we stop? We figured out it was over 100 miles out of the way.

Later on, as we're driving through Arizona:


Me (looking at the map): "We're only in Arizona for about 50 miles"
Dad: "And the whole thing looks like the goddamn Grand Canyon"

I'll leave you with this quick video:

Thursday

Phone-Sex, Malaria and Also Some Advice

If anyone has any guaranteed Get-Rich-Quick schemes I would really like to hear about them. I've been contemplating everything from selling drugs to escort services to phone-sex operator.

(shut up, I totally look like this)

Sadly I wouldn't know where to get the drugs to sell, am nervous on first dates and would giggle incessantly at getting paid to talk dirty.

These qualities do not a highly paid escort/drug dealer/phone-sex-operator make.

I figured out that to be comfortable and not worry about money I need about $6400 to last me until the end of January.

I leave next Monday.

Planning your life fail.

I redid a budget and actually should be okay as long as I stick to it and don't go crazy buying copious amounts of kitschy "plastic grumpies" (as my dad calls souvenirs) and expensive meals. And also I might have to sleep on the street with a hat beside me just in case anyone feels like dropping money in it. Or you know, whatever.

And also? I was going to leave Oct. 1st then there was a whole medical scare thing with my dad so we were going to delay our trip for a month, but it turned out to be totally not anything thankthesweetbabyjesus (note to everyone: make sure your pops checks his prostate after age 40. And guys you too. Just do it. Oh and girls, feel your boobies).

Once he got the A-ok from his doc, he called me up to say we're leaving as originally planned. Which now gives me a week and 3 days to sort my life out, donate stuff, transfer my phone to my sister, pack my bags, renew my drivers license, throw a going-away party, learn to hula-...well you get the point.

There's a crap-load to do.

On top of that I have my hands in like 8 proverbial pots (cookie jars?). Looking at freelance writing, applied for a few things online, looking at starting a business (might be too much to deal with right meow), looking at making this video for this thing (how appropriately vague).

So yeah, my mind is all "why are you drinking so much coffee late at night when you know it makes you stay awake applying for jobs you're probably not qualified for and scheming things that are good in theory but maybe not practical and maybe, actually really, you should be getting some sleep every once in a while and not just stressing over Things That Cannot Be Changed"

Like the fact that I should probably maybe just go get some Adavan but it is known to worsen asthma and oh god I need to get my inhalers that cost $100 a month and I'm gone for a year so pair that up with my birth control and malaria pills (sexy) and all of a sudden I owe the pharmacist about $1500.

So yeah, I'll fork over the cash.

I just need to practice saying "Give it to me bad boy"...

*giggle*

Monday

In Which I Explain Why I've Never Had The Homesickness. Sidenote: Waterfalls Are My Favorite .

I have a confession.

I've never been away from Calgary for longer then 3 weeks at a time. I know it sounds insane but I guess between school, then being a working stiff, I've just never taken a long vacation. Or moved anywhere else.

This next year is going to be a giant leap out of my comfort zone; in a fabulous way. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm scared. Nervous, excited, scared, thrilled - all of it.

This year will also be my very first Christmas away from my family. After doing some research, I discovered that here's where I will be instead:


Granada, Nicaragua

Tequendama Falls Near Bogota New Granada
by Frederic Edwin Church


So you know, I think I'll be okay.

Friday

You're Welcome

It's day 3 and I'm already just about on the fail boat. And since I have had no time to do anything at all today, I'm just going to give you this picture of me getting ma hair did:



It's like living art. On my head.


(PS - I wrote this last night after work but my internet connection crapped out on me when I went to post it so I'm actually really not cheating by backdating it)

Thursday

I'm Starting a Business (Send Money)

I gave my friend's dog a haircut today. It looks pretty awesome (read: as if the dog ran through a lawnmower and halfway through tilted her head sideways). Her eyebrows were starting to look like an old Grampa's and her mustache was reminiscent of the batty women who come into my work wearing tracksuits, order Bud and drink it as quickly as it hits the table. Go go gadget gag reflex!

Photo courtesy of Leading Edge Pet Care
Not that I got permission...(please don't sue me)

I guess that could be my art project for the day. Stylized dog grooming - coming to a doggy salon near you.

I did try to take a picture of downtown today but there's still some residual smoke in the air from all the fires in B.C. so it's a bit foggy. Either that or I haven't figured out the de-fogifying feature yet.


Hey camera buffs, have any tips on how to do wicked things with point and shoot cameras? I also have manual setting capabilities, I'm hoping it lightnings one of these days so I can play around with the shutter speed and uh, other camera stuff I guess.

Another fun activity we did today was move my sisters furniture into her new house. Her and her hubby are in Hawaii getting lei'd (oh terrible joke, I'm sorry) so we thought it would be nice for them to come home to a set-up house. I refrained from putting cornflakes between their sheets.

I know, I'm a super awesome sister.

Wednesday

Swearing in Spanish, Art and a "Royal" Wedding

These last few months have been ridiculous. I'm planning my adventures in Central America (I'm even doing a 32 day tour to get myself acquainted with the culture), trying to get a job in Costa Rica (which apparently they don't do online anymore because too many "gringos" flake out) and hyperventilating over money (do I or don't I have enough? How cheap is "cheap"?).

As I'm preparing, I got a few books on tape out of the library to brush up on my Spanish. One of the books is called "Speak-in-a-Week" and is supposed to be a good book to learn Mexican slang.

On my way to work the other day, I pop my CD in, roll down the windows (my air conditioning is broken) and head off. Next thing I know I hear: "Pinche, literally "an assistant cook", means nasty and is used where Americans would say fucking, shitty etc. That fucking asshole would be pinche cabron in Mexico".

I look over and there are 2 middle-age women staring at me with their mouths wide-open. I rolled my window up pretty quick. On the plus side, I now know if someone lips me off I'll have a good response.

I bought a new camera yesterday and after buying a spare battery, 2 memory cards and a carrying case I spent about $550 but I love my camera (it's a Sony-HX5 for anyone who knows anything about cameras). Coincidentally the theme for NaBloPoMo for September is Art so in honour of the theme I'm going to learn how to use my new camera and TRY to post every day this month.

I wouldn't call this art per say but here's the first picture I've taken with my camera, my little crazy miniature husky (actually called a klee kai) and the big fluffy one (called a keeshond):


On top of all my preparations for travel, we've also been organizing my younger sisters wedding. Last Friday she married a real live French Count who is an engineer, a youth group leader and saves orphans in his spare time (I know, right?). They've been together for 7 1/2 years, and are perfect together but really, thanks a lot because now I have to find a Prince who is a doctor and builds orphanages in Peru while volunteering as a fireman.

Wish me luck


Monday

Maybe I Could Sell The Gum I Collect to Pay My Outrageous Phone Bill

I finally got my May phone bill. I've been waiting in anticipation for this bill because this was the bill for while I was on vacation. My long-distance and usage charges weren't as awful as I'd anticipated but did add another $264 on top of my standard $102 bill. Try going to a social-media meet-up and not using your phone. Impossible.

The feeling I got when I saw the bill was the same as the feeling I get when I'm doing the best, most fun server duty of all: gum scraping. You know the nastiness is coming but it still hits you hard (TWSS). See, some people still think putting their wad of chewed up, disgusting, spit-encrusted gum under the table is socially acceptable.

I say "still" as if it were ever socially acceptable. I mean, how does an adult decide that the best place for their nasty gum is under the table where strangers have to sit and eat? Really though, you can learn a lot by observing the patterns of the gum.

For instance, there are obviously groups of people who come to the conclusion that asking for a napkin is really far too difficult and under these tables you will find four matching blobs, one at each place. Group consensus: random gum attack!

I have also learned that white is by far the most popular color choice, with green as a runner-up, followed by red or pink and finally blue. This says a lot about people because I mean really, that light blue gum is so obviously the most delicious gum out there, yet it's the least often randomly discarded under a table.

I feel like I should write a thesis on this: less blue gum under the table because it's not as popular or because people who chew light blue are more sophisticated?

On that same note, I actually watched a 40-ish year old woman take her gum out and put it under the table yesterday. I was sitting a few tables over waiting for some friends to be done work and had notice this woman earlier because she was wearing a very, incredibly tight shirt that was too short and a tiny frilly skirt that looked borrowed from her 14 year old daughter.

I'm all for showing off your body and being proud of what your mama gave you but if you can't feel your ass cheeks as two separate entities that is probably a good indication that your bottoms are too tight.

It's also probably good to consider a wardrobe change if you find you look as though you have four boobs instead of two (fondly referred to as "quadra-boob" in some circles, also known as "you need to go get fitted for a new bra"); or when you show up to your kids friend's party and your outfit more closely resembles the pre-pubescent kids outfits then it does the other parents.

Her worse crime however wasn't one of fashion (though seriously? Really? Tough call here), it was one of basic human etiquette. Because we all know there is nothing worse then settling in at a restaurant for a night of drunken debauchery and getting surprise gum attacked.

Thursday

Joy, Green Cards and How Calgary Has Officially Turned into Seattle

I haven't really written anything since Vegas because compared to that, life seems pretty tame these days. It's been raining here for about 8 years straight, I'm not sure when I moved to Seattle but apparently I have. The problem with this is that I only work when it's nice outside so I've worked maybe 6 shifts total in the last 2 week. 6 shifts does not a millionaire make.

Instead of being productive with all my free time, I spent some time when I got back uploading LOST episodes and other illegal things.

At one point, when I was waiting for my mesozoic computer to load, a flashy sign came up and told me I won a real live American Green Card! I mean, that's pretty much like Christmas, Labor Day and Halloween all rolled into one. So basically if Jesus dressed up as a resurrected cheerleader vampire and gave birth to himself (side note - what the hell is Labor Day?) it would be almost as awesome as my Green Card.

Now I can travel to Arizona!

(Too soon?)

Top things I would do if I was American:

3. Call the washroom a bathroom
2. Laugh when people call us "the States" because obviously we are America (even though technically so is Canada...and Mexico...and all of South and Central AMERICA but whatevs I mean details here people)
1. Make fun of Canadians

I guess that's really all that would change.

For now though, I'll be content being Canadian and saying eh! and drinking piss water Molson Canadian.

The other good part about not working a lot this month is that I have plenty of time to do The Joy Equation. I was lucky enough to meet Molly in person and trust me, she is every bit as bubbly and optimistic as she seems.

If you haven't heard of Molly's program or her amazing website, go check it out. I got my Joy Equation in the mail super quick and am so excited to get started. If you've ever thought you need to recenter, refocus, regroup and figure out what you want from life - which is exactly where I'm at these days - you should definitely look into it.

I have 3 months to go until I start traveling, first to the US and then down to Central America, my life has never been so up in the air. Well except maybe that time when I realized my 3rd grade boyfriend didn't want to marry me on the playground...

Jackass.

Tuesday

Not to Mention the Pool, The Parties, The Gambling and I Mean Too Much Awesome to Fit Into A Suitcase

Like, I mean, here's what I looked like at the start of Vegas:

(@lelandstrott and @Jennbizzle - I effing heart you ladies like, pink elevator, rainbow heart you)

And here's basically what I look like now:
Except for that bump looks more like @ihatesomuch's concussed head.

Well, ok - maybe I look more like this:

I lay by the pool for about 6 billion hours on Monday and have the burn to prove it. See the red/white line? Representing Canada - hollaaaaa (@Lbluca77 - that's actually Hallaa to us Canadians, right?) and ya I'm totally in a washroom - and I didn't bathe in it.

Some favorite memories?

I picked up so many Americanisms - @ChelsTalksSmack put it best when she said: "I mean, I need to stop saying I mean before everything. Especially since I'm talking to myself. #BiSC has changed me" - because yes, I KEEP saying it.

@Lbluca77
may have made fun of my accent, but in a way that made me laugh-cry. I miss your face!

Discovering that @manderzmusings roommate is a guy I used to work with, how small are you world?

@RSub27's dance moves - let's just say I will be posting a video re-cap interpretive dance style in the very near future

The awesome eyeliner face that was @bboudreau for like 3 days. If your guyliner doesn't want to be removed it won't be removed. Trust.

Real! Vegas! Strippers! with @mandymooreblogr - girl you are a character. PS - I dare you to ask her about Chat Roulette.

Lunch at Margaritaville with awesome amazing bloggers while debating doing the scavenger hunt because we were all rainbow hungover. (I did and it was fabulous)

Also, my bikini bottom for sure fell off in front of a random guy on my way to the bathroom. So I did what any normal person would do, I nonchalantly scooped it up and said "That's mine"

I mean, thanks Captain Obvious.

My beautiful roommates who packed my suitcase for me and were all around amazing. Even though we didn't spend that much time together, I adore you all.


The awesome hilarious fake retweet shenanigans, and when @RSub27 stole @LivItLuvIt's phone to post this: "@RSub27 is so hot. If I didn't have a bf I would sex him"

Walking through the Bellagio and New York, New York with @nicolerelyea on the last day. Honestly I'm so glad I got to hang out with you, even if I started feeling particularly stabby when you left, I recovered nicely I think.

Shots with Ali (do you twitter Ali?!) and @kathleenparkerb while she tried to keep her mustache on

The Sex Toy Closet in @nicoleisbetter and group's room. One word: Sextastic (thanks Toy With Me!)

Meeting @Lelandstrott on the very first day, enjoying a delicious drink (or two with her before the shenanigans began. You are amazing and your deliriously excited disposition is contagious. You saved my life mama!

Laugh-crying at the Princess story (Just ask Leland to tell you her favorite/least favorite childhood/adult story) and how @jamievaron and I managed to turn this map:

into a story about a clitoris. Because, I mean, who wouldn't see a vagina there? "And THIS huge area - that's where men THINK the clit is" Story-time WIN.


Also when the security at the airport randomly checked my purse and found the stripper cards @RSub27 and I meticulously organized into most hot to least hot, and then security pulled out my brand new We-Vibe (ummm thanks again @ToyWithMe!) and raised an eyebrow at me while asking: "Have fun in Vegas?"

Um yes, yes I did...


PS - This post was brought to you by my left index (AND middle) finger, so not one finger, but two and also with a little help from my right index finger - you know to hit the shift key. And the Enter key, FTW!

Camping, Long-Johns and The Dumb Laws "They" Think Up

In Calgary there's this great little tradition that happens every May long weekend. Almost everyone young and lots of people who aren't, go camping.

I'm sure this is a common theme pretty much everywhere.

The difference is that in Calgary, for May-long, it snows. It is pretty much almost guaranteed to snow or at least rain. Not the pretty sunshiny frolicking in the fields and weaving daisies in your hair rain.

No, it's wet, heavy, gross rain. The kind that makes you wonder if maybe the apocalypse is coming and then you thank the sweet baby jebus that you said grace that one time when Aunt Mildred had the bubonic plague or laryngitis or whatever and so couldn't say it herself and forced you to think of stuff to say although you're pretty sure your family already thinks you're the anti-christ so really what does it matter if you botch up saying thank-you?

Amen

Most people are prepared for this and bring all their best winter-preparation tools: hats, gloves, down-filled sleeping bags, matches, long-johns (ladies, you're going to want to click that link - that dude makes even something as dorky as long wool underpants look hot), wool socks (one for the boys), flares, a portable generator, 6 gallons of whiskey and a few flashlights. You know, standard camping gear.

I've for sure gone camping with girls who have been all "ohemgee, look at my adorable little pink sleeping bag - it rolls into a neat little ball and fits in my pocket! Let me just put it in my teensy suitcase beside my tiny string bikini!" only to have her ending up zippering my sleeping bag together with hers so she could get a modicum of heat.

Guys? Where were you on that trip?!

Apparently the Provincial and National parks here - like Banff National Park, Kootenay Park, Castle Mountain, Yoho, Tunnel Mountain, basically all the good places to go camping - have banned liquor this year.

BANNED LIQUOR


\%W^*@^T$@!)(F*&%%$?!!

Seriously, what the shit? I'm not even sure that's legal. How can you take away something as life-sustaining, especially during cold days, as booze?

I mean sure, it's all sunny and good now but just you wait People-Who-Made-This-Dumb-Law, when that snow inevitably falls on May long this year, when those people out enjoying hooliganism and tom-foolery realize that they can't have a beer while camping?!

You'll all be in big trouble. I mean, that's like outlawing winter tires.

Monday

Getting Rid of Junk

So, for some reason I started to feel all Spring-cleany yesterday, which is a really good thing because I haven't done a thorough clean since I moved in, in January. Meaning I've been living out of suitcases - one with shirts, one with skirts and one with random junk all thrown in together.

Because I'm organized like that

Then I realized I need my suitcase next week, and thus began my maniacal cleaning. I think I did at least 8 loads of laundry - the plus side being that I finally cleaned out my closet and the clothes that I never wear will finally get a new home.

Of course I still have entirely too many clothes but I went from having two normal sized closets at my old place, to having one small-ish closet here so I had to be creative with where I put my clothes.

My main closet holds my dresses and the jeans/pants that I opted to keep.

I have skirts in the front entrance closet and all my jackets and blouses, skirt suits and blazers at the back door, like where guests are supposed to hang their shiz.


Luckily I found this wire rack that manages to hold my sweaters well (note my makeshift bookshelf beside it - that's because I use my actual bookshelves for an entirely different purpose):

I'm going to have to either give these all away or plan on letting them collect dust, I don't think I'll need a hundred sweaters in Costa Rica.

Do you ever go through your closet and have a conversation that goes somewhat like this?:

"Self, do you really need to keep this {random article of clothing} that you haven't worn since {like seriously sometimes High School which is 8 YEARS ago}"

"But self! Wouldn't it be perfect for {some dumb thing that happens once a year}?!"

Then you throw it back in the closet, never to be worn or even thought of until the next time you try to clean your closet. Well this time I said "Eff it! If I haven't worn it in a year, I'm giving it away."

And this is what I ended up putting in the donation pile:

Well actually, these are just the jeans and pants.

I also threw out 12 pairs of old shoes, they were all old and in a state of disrepair, but it was still sad.

And speaking of shoes, here's what I use my bookshelves for:


I love me some shoes

Wednesday

Kinky Turkey Sex, Live Eels and The Reason(s) I'm Still Single

I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth.

A lot.

I also say completely inappropriate things at totally inappropriate times.

For example, at a hauty- toity wine tasting at the Petroleum Club here the other day, the wine rep at one of the fancy wine booths said "this one will hit you hard..." and before he even finished I said (louder than intended) "that's what he said!"

As the rep finished:"...with jammy raspberry and plum"

And everyone looked at me awkwardly while I swallowed a huge gulp of wine. Mmm jammy. The end.

So I started texting this boy recently and we were talking about our respective jobs:

Alice: "bla bla something about security guards"
Boy: "Actually I'm undercover, like a secret shopper"
Alice: "So you follow people around all non-chalantly making sure they don't shove a turkey in their pants?"
Boy: "Haha ya exactly, you sound like an expert"
Alice: "No, I just try to get away with shoving turkey in my pants every now and then"

Wait, what!?

Alice: "I mean in a not sexual way. I'm not into that kinky turkey sex"
Boy: "...just the regular kind?"

Yes. I enjoy regular turkey sex. Good lord I'm an idiot.

I won't even get into how I managed to send him a message that said:

"Please never put a live eel in my bum"

Friday

How Travel Agents Get Their Rocks Off

Ahhh!! I never Squee but I feel like squeee-ing because I did it! I booked my flight to Bloggers in Sin City! I had to change my travel dates (I arrive on Wednesday - anyone else be there yet? I also don't leave until Monday night - after the party there's the AFTER party baby) because I'm broke/cheap.

I want as much cash for being there as possible and for the extra 2 nights I can stay at my Dad's place down there for free so it just saves me money all around.

The other problem is the crazy, fly around the entire US of A flight path that these people put me on.

I'm pretty sure they were laughing at me as they booked it.

See, the way there isn't SO bad. I mean Calgary to Salt Lake City to San Francisco to Vegas.

Huh?

Ok, it takes about 7 hours total travel time and 3 plane changes:


Can we say large carry-on and no checked baggage?

On the way home?

Yeah, this is priceless. I mean Wow.

Just Wow:

Yep, they have me flying from Las Vegas to Fort Lauderdale to Houston and back to Calgary.

14 hours travel time and 3 MORE plane changes in the most random places ever!

It cost me less then $500 and NOW? Now I know why.

Oh well, the extra $400 I would have spent on direct or less ridiculous flights is now going towards booze.

You're Welcome!

Thursday

I Need Some Talavera Too

I was featured on the Bloggers in Sin-City page yesterday!



Now if I can find a fantastic deal on a flight I'll be thrilled, any suggestions?!

I'll have to visit my favorite souvenir shop while I'm down there...I'm getting low on dead cows

New Job, Boobs, Red Wine, and Gettin' Ma Hair Did

I've been looking for a new job for a few weeks. My work has been slow and I dislike my female manager (who does the scheduling) because, well, she's one of those girls who is super nicey-nice fakey-fake to your face and actually not really very nice when you aren't around.

I had an interview today at a busy place on the Red Mile (the strip in Calgary made famous by the ultra non-violent party atmosphere of upwards of 55,000 fans during the Flames 2004 run to the cup).

Green means Go, bitches!

It basically got famous because lots of girls flashed their boobs. "Flames in six, show your t*ts!!"

We're all class, all the time.

At least we're happy drunks.

After the interview (I start Sunday, what's up now bitches?!), I was supposed to meet a couple of friends at a wine tasting.

It was pouring rain so I ran in my stupid sundress (it was SO warm this morning!) to the liquor store and, being 15 minutes late, expected my friends to be there. And be all like "where have you beeeeeen" but alas, no sign of them.

I had forgotten my phone at home and being the terrible awesome friend that I am, I know approximately 3 people's numbers (unfortunately one of those people happens to be my pseudo-ex so that even when I leave my phone at home if I know I'm getting drunk, guess who gets a call?)

So I drank wine by myself. It was delicious.

(I found out when I got home that one friend had to go to Saskatchewan that morning and the other had texted me like 6 times to figure out the plans. Whoops)

On my way home, it was still freezing so while I waited at the bus stop I decided to duck in the nearest building for shelter. It turns out it's a Spanish-English school and they are looking for English teachers! Coincidence??

Either way I'm supposed to go there next Wednesday to talk to the operations guy. I told them I don't care about money I just want experience and maybe some Spanish lessons.

WIN!

Also, I got my hair did and settled on this:


In a few months I'll go back and get lots more blonde put in, to make it all summery and such.

The One Where I Talk About My Mother

Apparently I'm a "boomerang kid".

I just found this term today while I was Googling: "What to do when you were forced to move back in with your mother, who hates you and makes no effort to hide it, because you wanted to take this course that costs a ton of money which you just wouldn't have paying rent and bills on your crappy income, so you move back in for what's supposed to be 3 months but then your sister announces she is getting married in a few months so you can't exactly leave the country and miss her wedding or afford to leave and come back due to aforementioned crappy job."

So ya, there's that.

I've been back at home for not quite 4 months after living on my own for 4 years and with a roommate/boyfriend for 4 years before that.

8 years of independence, 4 months to make me feel like a rebellious, repressed teenager. My mother loves saying things like: "you're too old to be living at home" and "you're 20something years old and STILL living at home" and "find somewhere else to live" and "I let you live with me" and oh god I could go on. And on.

The thing is if I could think of any other option where I could save money for the next few months and then keep my stuff somewhere while I'm away for a few years, ANY other option. I would in a heartbeat.

My mother is one of the most difficult people on earth to live with. She snaps at the smallest things (one time she told me she HATES me and then didn't talk to me for a week (a full week) because I microwave shit in Tupperware. Apparently you aren't supposed to microwave your microwaveable containers. WTF.)

She also constantly calls me a drama queen, a princess and all the things that make you think of a spoiled little teenager. She's "joked around" that she should have had an abortion, in front of a good friend of mine, who, after meeting my mother once, is shocked that I turned out normal and with a sense of humor at that.

Meanwhile, my sisters (who are also in their 20s) live at home, never buy groceries, expect my mother to make dinner every night and never offer to help, and have never lived anywhere but home. Yet they seem to not get as much of the wrath as I do.

See, I'm even starting to sound like a teenager!

Honestly though, I do dishes, I buy groceries, I make dinner some nights, and I spend a lot of time keeping to myself.

Yet my mother brings up that I'm living at home and when I say something about my sisters being there she says "Well SL is saving for her wedding and getting married this year and SK is saving for her masters" in a tone that implies I'm worthless although I'm saving to start a new life in a different country and after living on my own for 8 years, since I'm taking a little saving money break, that makes me a horrible person.

Sorry for this rant, I'm just so frustrated. Anyone experienced anything like this?

Suggestions?

I'm to the point where I want to just apply for positions in Costa Rica now and just hope I can get time off for my sister's wedding. If I don't though, I'm basically punishing my sister and myself because my mother is insufferable.

And I'm literally miserable around her.

Sunday

Hair Help!?

Every few months I get this nagging voice every time I look in the mirror. I have this issue where I can't keep the same hair color for longer than a few months.

Today was my birthday, and being sick I went for a low-key brunch with my girlfriends then spent the rest of the day considering different options.

I've been blonde:

I've been strawberry:

I've been brunette:
I think what I'm going for next is dark red:


I have to keep in mind that summer is coming up, and my sisters wedding (where we will be wearing pink) is this summer as well...

Help?

Wednesday

Blog Swap!

She sews! She cooks! She makes beautiful quilts!

Today is the 20sb Blog-swap so my post will be at Pamela's page, My Domestic Life, and hers is below!

The best thing about being a blogger.

Hi to everyone reading Alice’s blog!

I’m Pamela and I’m swapping blogs with Alice today. A little bit about me…I live in Southern Arizona where it is nice and warm right now, unlike the picture in Alice’s last post! I am 24 years old and I’m getting married in 17 days!

I started blogging on livejournal when I first went to college in 2003. I was pretty regular about posting and I pretty much just wrote whatever came to my mind. I just went back and read some of my earliest entries and I don’t really remember much of what was going on at the time. My first post ever was a link to a two carat platinum diamond ring and I say I feel sorry for whoever marries me. That pretty much sums me up! I like sparkalies!

In the last couple of years, I haven’t been very regular about posting and “real life” has gotten in the way of things, but this year, I decided I was going to get into it again. I enjoy writing about the mundane events of daily life and I like seeing that there are other people who are going through the same things I’m going through.

The best thing about being a blogger is that there is no pressure to write anything in particular. People can read it or not and it doesn’t make a difference to me. I enjoy being able to post a little update about my garden or singing my arm hair off while using the stove. The fun thing is that there are other people out there—sometimes on the other side of the world who are struggling with finding purpose in life, finding a career after college, getting married and figuring out who they are. I enjoy reading their blogs and I hope to put together a blog that other people enjoy reading and can relate to.

I have “met” some interesting people through my blog who have opened my eyes to different locations and cultures than I am exposed to here. When I post regularly, they are there and when I take a break and come back, they are still there. Other bloggers are always supportive and the community is always friendly.

So, the best thing about being a blogger is that the online community is always there and I can come and go as a please. I get to know people from all over the world and it is just fun!

Friday

So Does April Snow Bring May Bordeaux?

Oh hai! Remember when April was all "hey April showers bring May flowers" and May was all like "Flowers! Yay! I love me some flowers" and remember how I live in Calgary so even when it's supposed to be APRIL it looks like this outside my window?


Hey! Weather! Are we for effing real right now?

Luckily that was last night and today the sun is shining, the snow is melting and people who suffer migraines are all like "what the shit?" you know, because changing weather hurts peoples heads.

I was planning on going around to apply for new jobs today. See, my job isn't exactly busting out the hours lately. I had 4 days off in a row this week and momma needs some money. The irony is that people are looking for summer-employees (with patio season coming and all) and it decides to snow! Ya, that'll get the boss in a hiring-for-summer mood. Not.

Thanks a lot.

Lastly, that cake I was intent on destroying making? I made my mom ice it for me. Because if you suck at something, make someone else do it for you.


I drank a whole pot of coffee this morning. Can you tell?

Tuesday

It'll Be A Work Of (Interpretive) Art

So if you've read my blog for a while you may remember me saying that I'm a great cook but a terrible baker. All that measuring and exactness and precision. I'm way better at throwing a bunch of junk in a pan or pot or BBQ or grilling up some deliciousness.

Seriously.

Remember when I made baked mac n cheese and used a very wrong ingredient? How about that time I screwed up meringue by thinking cream of tartar and tartar sauce were the same thing (they're really not)?

And then there was the time after my first niece was born. I tried to make this delicious and adorable baby block cake for the surprise baby shower:



Adorable! It looked easy in the instructions - one sheet cake, a bunch of different icings, a piping bag and some little sugar candy animals, how hard can that be, right?



Wrong.




There are approximately 3 different WRONG icings in this picture, not to mention the deformed, crumbly, fingerprinted mess of cubes that literally fell apart as I tried to ice them. I think that empty glass probably had some Vodka to dull the pain of FAILure.



Yup, here's my lovely masterpiece:





I threw it in the garbage.


So, I'm planning on making a cake for a birthday dinner I'm going to on Wednesday. There are 6 of us celebrating our birthdays in April (mine's April 18th - now you have enough time to make me something extra especially awesome by then kthxbai)

25 of us are going for a nice dinner to a restaurant with free corkage, that's right FREE. Meaning we will each bring a bottle of wine and get extra especially drunk, so that when it comes time to present my cake, everyone will be too drunk to care what it looks like.


Hopefully.

Sunday

Turn Left at the Alter

So lately I've been thinking about weddings a lot. No, I'm not getting married but one of my baby sisters is. SL got engaged a month ago and already has the church, the reception hall, the bridesmaids dresses and yes, the wedding gown.

Anyhow, I was talking with a couple of friends about it and Boobie McGee says: "I really haven't thought about my wedding too much except..." and goes on to talk about how many bridesmaids she'll have, the colors, the centerpieces, the location, pretty much everything except for who the groom will be.

My mom loves weddings. Not like "hey neat-o I can help plan a bit" but more like she's taking a three part, 12 week cake decorating class so she can make the cupcakes for the wedding. She has ordered a bazillion yards of organza to make pew-bows and centre-pieces and chair-slips and ninja-ties or something.

I have been to approximately 789,000 weddings in my life. I used to work at a hoity-toity (shuddup spell check) private members-only, your-first-born-son-must-be-given-up-as-payment-club so there were weddings there practically every weekend. Plus my friends seem to enjoy getting married apparently.

I'm going to start feeling like that chick with the 27 bridesmaids dresses and no man pretty soon.

This post is all over the map. It's a wedding map but good lord, where was I going with this?

Oh right, I think when/if I ever get married I'm going to send invitations that say: "Come party in (insert awesome vacation spot here)".

Planning? Done.

Friday

A Few More Reasons

Okay so I think we're all pretty much aware of the fact that if there's a hell I'm going there. Asshole party of one? Your table is ready. This is first evidenced here, and probably in numerous other places in this here weblog of mine but I'm far too lazy to go digging for examples.

In case you need a few more reasons, I present to you:

Reasons I'm Going to Hell, Part II

1. When I'm feeling particularly cheap, I tell the bartender wherever we happen to be that I'm the designated driver. This generally scores me a free soda for which I tip largely to ensure free refills all night.

I then proceed to top up the soda all night with the Vodka that I've managed to sneak in thanks to my ridiculously large purse.

2. I like to watch Biggest Loser sometimes. It's inspiring to watch those poor people have to shed hundreds of pounds...Even more inspiring while eating ice cream and chocolate chip cookies.

3. This?


Made me laugh.

A lot.

4. Two Words: Online Dating

It's not that these guys don't seem nice. It's mostly that they seem like complete and utter morons half of the time. Or maybe it's my Judgey McJudgerson personality.

Here's me, online dating: "ugh he spelled 'your' wrong, NEXT; too old, NEXT; What's with the hair? NEXT; too skinny, NEXT; Hmm...potential...potential (as I skim his profile)...ew whiny! NEXT"

And I wonder why I'm single*


*False. I don't wonder that.

Thursday

My New Hometown?

So I went to Vegas once when I was like ten, with my older sister, my uncle, his girlfriend and her daughter. We had a great time and all but ya, remember the part about how I was ten?

Then last May Tits McGee and I had to change our travel plans from Mexico to Vegas (remember the whole swine flu thing? Ya, our flights were canceled). We had a ridiculously awesome time the whole 8 days that we were there. We're crazy like that.

Okay, so then my dad bought a place there after my parents got divorced last year. Real Estate is cheap. He bought my sisters and I tickets to come visit him in February and we had a really amazing time being touristy (Hoover Dam) and acting like locals ("psshhh the strip") down there.

Now, there's a blog-meet-up in Vegas in May and I'm pretty sure I'm going. I know it'll be a fan-freaking-tastic time, and although I haven't been blogging lately, this gives me as good a reason as any to start again, get reacquainted with the old crew and meet some new ones.

This means I'll have gone to Vegas 3 times in ONE year though. Am I that crazy?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Monday

Fanmail

I get excited when I see that I have a new comment, (as I'm sure you all do) so imagine my disappointment when I realized that half of them were from "Hello Baby". Don't get me wrong, she seems very nice. It's just that you know, say what you gotta say once and then maybe stop.

So we can all thank our new friend "Hello Baby" for the fact that I am now moderating comments. Also, because I'm curious (read: nosy) I had to check out this persons website and I probably have some sort of computer-herpes now. On the plus side, I found out that 爱丽丝 means Alice in Chinese, so there's that. Also, the fact that it's a Chinese website written in Spanish (what??) kind of made my day.

Tuesday

I'm an Idiot

Like we needed more proof right?

So I come to this here neglected weblog, and sigh a sigh of discontentment. Still 5 comments?? I know I haven't written in a while but after 6 months you'd think a few measly people would have had at least something to say, right?

Ya turns out they did. I'm just dumb and somehow missed the part where you have to approve new comments?! And sitting patiently, waiting to be approved, were over 50 comments. Most of them pertained to how to make money quick, some sort of Chinese-type writing and how to buy the best blue cheese (what?) but there were a few from actual IRL readers. So anyway, you're approved!

Not nearly as excited (or wallet-draining) as being approved for a mortgage but hey, it's something.

In more exciting news I'm in the very last week of my CELTA program. Yes, I actually have moved back home (yeah, there's a few stories I'll be saving for Slit-Your-Wrist-Sundays) but it's been mostly not too bad. I have become a hermit living sequestered in the dark confines of my room.

Kidding.

Sort of.

The course itself is amazing. Amazing, hard, fun, interesting, stressful, informative and nerve-racking.

I'm really not looking forward to going back to being a waitress. Le Sigh. Although, seeing as how I saved the $2500 for the course in about a month, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to save a ton of money before I leave for Central America in the fall.

PS - who lives along the West coast? You'll be getting a visit from me. I'm planning on driving down so get those couches ready.

I'm fun, I swear!

Anyhow, I'm done my course at the end of the week and am planning a big trip to Edmonton to celebrate (for those of you who don't know, going to Edmonton to celebrate is like doing something really un-fun to...uh...celebrate. I suck at analogies today. My brain hurts.)

I'll have lots of time and lots of stories once I get back...