Wednesday

Kinky Turkey Sex, Live Eels and The Reason(s) I'm Still Single

I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth.

A lot.

I also say completely inappropriate things at totally inappropriate times.

For example, at a hauty- toity wine tasting at the Petroleum Club here the other day, the wine rep at one of the fancy wine booths said "this one will hit you hard..." and before he even finished I said (louder than intended) "that's what he said!"

As the rep finished:"...with jammy raspberry and plum"

And everyone looked at me awkwardly while I swallowed a huge gulp of wine. Mmm jammy. The end.

So I started texting this boy recently and we were talking about our respective jobs:

Alice: "bla bla something about security guards"
Boy: "Actually I'm undercover, like a secret shopper"
Alice: "So you follow people around all non-chalantly making sure they don't shove a turkey in their pants?"
Boy: "Haha ya exactly, you sound like an expert"
Alice: "No, I just try to get away with shoving turkey in my pants every now and then"

Wait, what!?

Alice: "I mean in a not sexual way. I'm not into that kinky turkey sex"
Boy: "...just the regular kind?"

Yes. I enjoy regular turkey sex. Good lord I'm an idiot.

I won't even get into how I managed to send him a message that said:

"Please never put a live eel in my bum"

12 comments:

Mud in the City said...

Quite frankly, right now even regular turkey sex sounds good!

Not sure about the live eel though....

Bathwater said...

Life is to short for appropriate comments all the time!

tambourinequeen said...

why do throughout this post to I actually imagine you physically with your foot in your mouth?

Mich said...

I'm with Bathwater, we're not here for long so we may as well be inappropriate at times :P

OG said...

I love a good random (and possibly inappropriate) text message, although an eel in the bum might freak me out.

Matt said...

HA, perfect.

Rahul said...

I have a feeling people in Canada say "bum" all the time.

Tom Green told me.

Mega said...

I just figured its a result of Canadian-ness. Yes.

Lacey Bean said...

Didn't a kid just die from his friends doing that to him? Putting a live eel in his butt?? Eww.

I'm excited for more of this foot in the mouth action in Vegas!!

P said...

You and me might be the same person. Because it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to say ANY of these things...

P said...

I could have written this post myself - we are obviously the same person!

Manderz said...

I can't wait to talk with you in Vegas. There will surely be some epic convos.