Shaping the Future

If this blog was a child, the Child Protection Services people would be all over my ass like white on rice. Thank gawd it's not and the only thing I have to answer to is the guilt, sadness and feelings of inadequacy in my own heart.

I lose.

I do however have a new goal for myself (new as in I've been thinking about it for over six months now, and finally have a plan of action). I'm going to teach English overseas. After months of researching and (FAILing) at trying to save money for the CELTA course I have decided I'm going to move back in with my mother (cue death march music).

My lease expires at the end of this year and the course starts mid-February so I figure that gives me enough time to save the money necessary for the course. It will also give me ample time to remember why I moved out 7 years ago in the first place.

I'm really hoping the course is worth the $2500 price tag. Oh, and the emotional scarring I'll be sure to endure.*

There are some really important unresolved issues that I'll have to deal with in the upcoming months. Things such as: Where do I want to go teach? Will I survive 6 months to a year in a strange country? What am I going to do with all my shoes while I'm gone? I guess I'll just have to tackle these as they come.

I wonder if I can work: "How to Make the Perfect Dirty Martini" into a lesson plan...

*I'm mostly kidding. My mum can be fabulous - when she isn't stark raving mad


Lesson Learned: Don't Be A Drunktard

I seem to have been having "one of those days" for the last few days. For example; I left my wallet in a cab on Thursday, the day before I was supposed to go do some important banking. I figured I would just use my passport as ID at the bank, but my passport seems to have taken a long trip somewhere without me.

Saturday I was resigned to the fact that I had lost my drivers license, my bank card, my passport, and more importantly my Shoe-aholic Spending card. That's a free pair of shoes right there bitches!

I got home from work to find a taxi drivers card and a note telling me if I ever wanted to see my wallet intact again, bring $500 G's in unmarked bills to the top of the Calgary Tower at midnight. Actually, it may have only said to call him, but it could read either way really.

They ended up calling me the next day with directions to their headquarters to pick the wallet up. Thank the sweet baby Jebus. That wallet is my life.

Yesterday I finally had a chance to head up to the place to grab my wallet with the intention of going to see my financial adviser and get that banking done afterward. Of course when I get there they can't find my wallet anywhere and they insist that the driver must still have it.

Finally after fifteen painful minutes (my cab's meter was still running outside!) they managed to track it down and finally I could say I win at life.

Until I got to the bank and realized I was 10 minutes too late for their 4 o'clock closing, only to walk to the next branch to get there 5 minutes after they closed at 4:30.

Banking FAIL

Here's another example of the kind of week I'm having:

This video is pretty self-explanatory

Party Dress FAIL


The "L" Word

The last few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least, hence the blog-slackery. I'll start with the men (of which there seem to be many - my psychic told me I surround myself with men as a sort of protection. Living, breathing emergency hand rails).

The guy who was all needy (before I went to Vegas)? Well he came into my work last week and now he's been texting me saying how good it was to see me and that we should do lunch or grab a drink. Remember how I told you you were needy?? Ya, you're not helping yourself here.

Then there's a guy I'll call Tiger (he's a golfer) we've been out several times and he finally kissed me a few weeks ago (after I lost a game of pool). He's really sweet and I've actually known him since I was 15 or 16. We used to work together as cooks (I flashed him some bra one time for extra chicken fingers), and he'd drive me home from work but we were always just friends.

Anyway, it's been almost two months that we've been "dating" and he still hasn't tried anything. It makes me wonder - is it because he had a religious upbringing? (His parents are Jehovah's Witness' but he's pulled away from that and deems himself "unsure religiously". Still you have to wonder what he retained from that), so is he maybe unsure how to proceed? Is he just a gentleman? Do those exist?

Then there's Pseudo. I saw him again last week. We went for a walk and then back to my place and while we were doing stuff that doesn't involve sleeping* he said "I love you, Alice" just like that.

So I obviously ignored him, since I suck at life. Well and he'd had a few drinks and I was stone-cold sober so it really wouldn't be fair for me to take advantage of a weak moment.

Needless to say I've been thinking about it all week. I'm visiting my sister and her family in Victoria until next Tuesday which has been a welcome and much needed vacation. I have no idea what I'll do when I get back, but I'll worry about that when the time comes...

*Thanks D for the right way to word that eloquently


There's A Snake in Ma Boot!

So Stampede is half over and it's been quite an interesting week so far.

Somehow even though I've been working for ten days straight (my next day off is Sunday - thank the sweet baby Jebus), I've still managed to get myself in a fair amount of trouble. So far, from what I remember, here's a summary of the week:

  • After work went to my "Cheers" and ended up at Pseudo's
  • Worked all day, went to Blondie's boyfriends birthday BBQ (try saying that 5 times fast) where we ate a fabulous spread that included flat-bread appetizers, grilled steak that had been marinated for 12 hours (yum!), an incredible reduced balsamic dip and tons of other delicious food
  • We then proceeded to have a flippy cup tournament. There were 13 of us so we had a 3 team Round Robin - best of 7. We obviously got drunk.
  • The limo showed up, we all piled in and drank copious amounts of champagne...and beer (Klassy)
  • We went to the first bar where the ten guys bought each of us 3 girls at least 3 shots
  • Next stop? Our "Cheers" - obviously more shots followed
  • Last stop on the Limo train was the bar affectionately nicknamed "The WhoreHouse". Obviously we had more shots. I don't think I bought a single drink - it was a shooter night
  • I lost my purse with everything in it - phone, camera, money, wallet, keys
  • Found said purse sitting casually on the dance floor an hour later. With everything still in it.
  • Lost all of my friends except for one. We eventually found one other friend who had jumped over an overpass to the street below trying to chase after half of our group. Giant FAIL as he was now limping.
  • Took jumper to friends house and put a bag of peas on his foot. Woke up in the morning to him puking from the pain. His foot was black and blue and swollen like a football. Um ya turns out he broke it...
  • Frenchie came and met me after I was done work, we consumed at least a bottle of wine and headed to "Cheers" (where else?) where we played drunken darts and drank a lot of vodka
  • Two dumb guys were running their mouths, trying to act like they were a really big deal (RBD). After last call they bet me $20 I couldn't get another beer. Have I mentioned that this is the bar I frequent and always tip really well? They didn't stand a chance. I even warned them that they were being idiots. I told the bartender I'd give him $20 for a Kokanee and he looked at me like I was nuts. He would have given it to me for free but whatever. I went back up to the guys, beer in hand.
  • The guy who bet me handed over the $20 and said: "whatever, bottled beer is easy. There's no way he'd pour you a draft beer..." I just laughed. RBD says: "I'll bet you $50 you couldn't get a draft beer"
  • I went back to the bar and told Bartender I'd give him $25 for a draft beer. Again he thought I was nuts but handed me a Keith's.
  • As soon as I went back upstairs with the beer the 2 guys just shook their heads and handed me the $50 bucks. Don't make stupid bets with me boys.
  • I'm kind of a big deal.
I still have the last weekend to go, and I'm sure even with my hectic work schedule I'll manage to get a few more crazy nights in.

Sometimes I just love Stampede.


The One In Which I'm Emotional

(For the full Pseudo story - click here and scroll down)

Ex-Pseudo called me last night. I was at my "Cheers" playing Buck Hunter after work. The phone rang and everything else ceased to matter. My heart stopped, I felt my breath catch in my throat.

I haven't spoken with him in months, I haven't seen him in over a year and yet the same old feelings came crashing down around me. Last time he called in October, I didn't answer the phone - this time I did.

As soon as I saw it was him calling I knew it was over for me. I didn't think about the great guy I've been on two dates with recently and who sends me sweet random texts; I didn't think about what was going to happen when I saw Pseudo; I didn't think logically or take the time to think about the ramifications of what may or may not happen. I answered and I knew I would see him.

"B saved you some pizza, come to B's house," as if we had spoken an hour ago. I laughed and told him I wasn't sure, knowing full well I'd be over there shortly.

When I got there he said: "I guess you know me and T-Bone broke up?" to which I replied (honestly) " actually I didn't".

I couldn't believe I was there. I berated myself but yet felt happy. I can't begin to explain, I don't even understand it myself.

I woke up in his arms

And now I'm lost again


Calgary Blogger Meet-Up

Ok kids, time to do something a little crazy - meet each other.

Mich at Who is Mich is organizing a Calgary area blogger meet-up so anyone in the area who wants to come out of their hypothetical closet...wait, I mean shell...? (That's Nutshell to you Carmen) should come down for some drinks and all that good stuff.

Here are the details:

Sunday June 21st at 12:30
Earls on Stephen Avenue
Drinks and Appies

Pretty sure Earls is somewhere around here...
(Erm...Circa 1912)

For you Calgary peeps, I have long hair that's not really blonde or red or brown and wear high heels. Look for me there.

Seriously what color would you call it?

I'm not making any promises to be showered though. It's Sunday morning for gawdssakes


Does Running Late Count As Excercise?

I've never been what you would call "athletic". My older sister won various metals for High School wrestling and I'm pretty sure she played soccer for a while too.

My younger sisters were both on their High School Rugby team, which went on to win the City Championship the year they graduated, thanks in large part to the two of them (they are tiny girls - but tough). They are both still on a soccer team and play Ultimate Frisbee and Dodgeball a few times a week.

The closest to sports in High School I got, on the other hand, was taking Sports Medicine so I could flirt with the football players. Oh and I was a cheerleader (although we called it a Dance Squad).

Don't judge me.

My first foray into real sports was when I was 5 - I was put on a soccer team where I could consistently be found picking flowers on the sidelines while I was supposed to be defending the goal.

Or kicking the ball.

Or something.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a huge klutz or super lazy - I took dance for 16 years and was a pro-star bowler when I was 8 (ya, I'm awesome, I know). You can also laugh at my first foray into having a Personal Trainer here.

I have no brothers so my poor father, with 4 daughters, taught us all how to throw a mean spiral, made sure we know how hockey works and took us to all kinds of games. I just never got into the strict structure of actually playing a competitive team sport.

This summer I've decided I'm going to get my shit together and be more active. I played soccer with my sisters (and I actually wasn't bad if I do say so myself), I played tennis with some friends last weekend, I started boot camp this morning and I'm about to strap on my roller blades so I can practice not looking like an idiot.

As of right now my stopping consists of flailing my arms, stepping on the grass and hoping there is a pole/tree/fence that I can grab onto or just falling on my ass.

If anybody knows a fail-proof method for stopping - Please for the love of all that is good let me in on your secret

Hopefully my new found enthusiasm for "being active" and "eating less shitty food" can last all summer.

After all summer is only, like, 2 months long here.


Marry This

The sweet sounds of summer are in the air; BBQ's grilling, neighbors mowing their lawns (finally), birds chirping, the shrill shrieks of Bride-to-be's yelling at their wedding planners...

Yes, summer means that wedding season is fast approaching. That's right, don your party gown and say a little prayer that your friends groom has at least some hot single friends/relatives/ex-jail-cell-roomies that you can bat your pretty little eyelashes at because this night is going to be long. I should know - I went to seven weddings last year.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for all you marrieds/about-to-be-marrieds (mostly because now I don't have to listen to you whining about how that guy from last night never called you today - hello, give it a few days*) but weddings do come with their own set of problems for us single folk.

Firstly, I have a name and a "plus one". Most of the time I choose to forgo the date and just go as my fabulous single self but when all your friends are bringing their boyfriends, it changes things a bit.

See, now I have to scramble to figure out which of my single guy friends will fit in best with each crowd. I have to make sure said Plus One is attractive, witty and charming and mostly that he will be attentive to me so as not to embarrass me and/or the bride. I have to choose wisely because if the aforementioned hot single friends/relatives/ex-jail-cell-roomies actually exist, my Plus One better not stand in my way.

There's also a problem with going at it alone. As much as I like the bride's Uncle Jimbo trying to feel me up on the dance floor and then tell me he thought I was his wife (oh you mean the chick with dark hair that is 4 inches shorter than me and 20 years older? Ya I'd totally get us confused too), I've had my share of it. And your share too for that matter.

Then there's the barrage of "Grandma-means-well" questions about our own marital history and future, or lack thereof. Why is it your business (worse when it's a complete stranger), to ask me WHY I'm not married? Why are you married? What if I told you it was because I prefer emotionless, meaningless sex with no strings, huh Grandma - happy now?

You asked.

Also: I'm not allowed to wear white, I'm not allowed to wear black, I'm not allowed to wear anything sexy, I'm not allowed to wear too much makeup, I'm not allowed to wear anything too short and my shoes aren't allowed to be too high.

Good thing I don't follow directions well, we just eliminated the majority of my wardrobe.

All I'm really saying here is if I ever get married I'll make sure to stock the bar with hot single people so my friends have someone to drool at talk to.

Ya, I'm generous like that

* kidding - well maybe not really


Las Vegas - I Love You

We got back from Las Vegas late last night and I have a golf tournament early tomorrow morning so this will be a brief pictorial essay of the trip only - more to come!

Can I first just say that I freaking adore Vegas: bottle-service, free champagne, open bars, stretch Escalade Limousines, hot NYC Firefighters (um AND cops), New York and New Jersey accents ("Ya he's my cuz! Fuggedaboudit!"), delicious food, Vodka and the beach at Mandalay Bay?

Alright, now for some pictures:

Our view of the "beach";
so-called because they trucked in 14 acres of sand

Beach + Hot Lifeguards + Beer + Sunshine
= Alice in Heaven

Delicious Pannacotta at Wolfgang Puck's Restaurant
Trattoria de Lupo

Self Portrait

Our ride to Rain at the Palms
No big deal

I have lots of stories to tell
and about a mess-zillion (see what I did there?) pictures were taken but for now I'm heading to my own bed for the first time since surviving a week in Vegas


Still (not) Kissing Frogs

I think it's about that time for me to make fun of people again. I miss it.

The best place to start is the jungle they call Online Dating. Here are a few of my latest emails received. Oh how I love seeing the English language being slaughtered. Le Sigh.


A quick glance at his profile reveals that as a career: "I work about 60 hours about in concrete. im happy with my life". That's all he says and the only answer to the typical "About Me" stuff he gave was his salary.

First of all I'd like to know how I seem nice when you've never spoken to me. You can't really judge niceness based on a written profile, especially not one that's to the point, like mine is. That would be like me telling him that he seems loud. Which he does, what with all the yelling and such.

Also what the hell does "about 60 hours about in concrete" mean? You work close to 60 hours kind of with a material resembling concrete? You work 60 hours a week? A month? A pay-period? Who the hell cares how many hours you work?


Bachelor #2: do u have msn?

While I'm at it, can I just give you my address? We haven't exchanged 5 words and you want me to give you my msn? What kind of girl sees this message and thinks; "gosh he sure did put in a lot of effort to obtain a personal bit of information from me, I should definitely give him a chance."

So, giving him a chance, I look at his profile and find these tantalizing tidbits:

I am sexxy, energetic, and easy going. I am 33 male 5'9 well built and looking for friends and more. i am adventurious and always lookingto try new things.

Good thing you're sexxy and not just sexy because I never date guys who are "only one x" sexy.

Moving on!

Bachelor #3: HI! I am nice good looking east indian guy who is looking for some fun.

If you're so good-looking why don't you have a picture up? Also, telling a normal girl you're looking for some fun = telling a whore you just want to talk. Or something along those lines.

My backwards analogies make sense in my mind.

On the positive side of life, I met a very nice, good-looking guy at a party last weekend. We hung out all night, dancing and chatting. Unfortunately at the end of the night a guy I knew got into a fight (I know, right? How old are we boys?) with some other guy and I was dragged out of the party before getting the chance to exchange numbers with my hot guy.

I should have left a shoe like Cinderella...


♦♣♥♠ Vegas Baby ♦♣♥♠

As I said last post, I'm heading to Vegas in exactly 2 weeks and am uber thrilled about it. My girlfriend recently broke up with her boyfriend and needs a vacation like nobodies business. I just need a vacation in general!

We are staying at Mandalay Bay and planning to take it easy a few days - just beaching it and being water babies. I really want to do a Grand Canyon tour but haven't found anything reasonably priced yet. We also want to do some shopping (hello outlet stores? I want some choos!)

We're also trying to figure out what else to do (probably a Cirque du Soliel - maybe O?) and what clubs are fab down there.

I'd really like to play poker as well. O was thinking of entering in a tourny but one of my friends (who plays down there all the time) says that they are loose tourists playing and it turns into shitty luck-only poker. I would want to play with people who are a bit more serious but not lose major coin with the high-rollers. Maybe cash games instead?

Does anyone have extensive Vegas experience or tips/advice based on your travels?

In other exciting news, I have lost 11 pound in just under three weeks - I'm tracking it on my other blog: Alice's Appetence along with recipes etc. if anyone is interested!


Danger! Been So Long (sing it!)

Wow so I've been away from this here blogosphere for a million and a half years. Sorry for not reading/writing anything in the past mmm...2 months?! It's been busy and crazy and I feel like all I do lately is work. Not a whole lot of inspiration for posts there right now, unfortunately.

Let's see...updates?

  • My father has settled onto his new place with his bro and fam. It's actually been really nice because when I see either of my parents they are both in much better moods then when they were together. As strange as it all still is, I just know it's best this way for EVERYONE involved. Thank baby Jebus for small miracles
  • I was supposed to go to Mexico (Puerto Vallarta) for a week at the end of this month. Ya so that's not gonna happen. Even if we still wanted to go all of the flights are canceled and we're SOL. I feel really sorry for anyone who was planning a wedding down there at this time - yikes!
  • Two of my very good friends have gone through major relationship trauma lately. One of them found out that her fiance had been dating another girl for a few months. Awesome.
  • Another of my good friends' boyfriends decided to break up with her after NINE years, on her birthday, via text message. Yup, that's as scummy as they come. Oh wait, he also called her a cunt and told her to move all her "shit" out in a nice voicemail he left her that day. She can't even get half the house because he hadn't gotten around to switching it into his name from his Aunt.
  • All of which pretty much makes me glad I'm single right now. That guy I was seeing for a bit? Ya, he turned weird. He got kind of needy and expected me to just go wherever he was. He would get really whiny if I was tired and just wanted to stay home or if I was working and didn't feel like going out afterwards. Especially when the text messages I'd get were simply: "@ Melrose[bar]" when we had never discussed meeting that night. Sorry, not giving up my life to tag along with you or just coming when you text like a little puppy.
  • I had my 25th birthday a few weeks ago. I'm not really sure why this birthday feels the worst so far but I actually feel like I have no excuse to get drunk and make bad decisions. Le sigh. Doesn't mean I won't still do that but hey, now I get to feel guilty about it! Cheers!
  • Instead of Mexico, my girlfriend and I are heading to Vegas! I haven't actually ever been there (unless you count when I was 8 - which I don't really) so I'm very excited. We're staying at Mandalay Bay for 5 nights - it's going to be a Gong show!
So there's my life in a nutshell - hopefully I'll get my act together here soon and be able to write more. All this working and making money is really starting to hinder my artistic side.


Because We Needed Another Reason to Dislike Nickleback

It's been a celebrity filled year up here in Average-Land. First we had the Trailer Park Boys in January, then Tori and Dean, later that same week we had the choreographer from Dancing With the Stars - Jean Luc Godard and yesterday we had two of the members of Nickleback.

Do you people in the States get subjected to these guys? If so, I'm very sorry - they actually stemmed from Alberta (in a small town butt-f*ck nowhere, but still Alberta) so I do apologize and I promise not all bands here are that repetitive or shitty.

Sure they had a good start, a few catchy tunes, but then their music started going downhill faster then my last relationship (and that's fast). There's a radio station in Calgary that actually has a No Nickleback Guarantee, and they stand by it proudly.

Last night after they played in Calgary, two of the guys came in and were sitting at the bar. I don't know if they expected special treatment (they did) but we were super busy with the post concert and post music society concert rush. I got about 8 large tables in all at once and my bartender probably got 5 and he had to make all the drinks.

The two Nickleback guys were with another guy who has been into our restaurant before. He's the one who told us who these guys were. After Bartender served them each a few drinks it was dying down and we were thinking about doing last call. Most of my tables were finishing up. Nickleback dudes asked Bartender for a couple more drinks and because they were friendly enough, Bartender gave them each a shot as well.

So last call is over, these guys have three double rye Pepsi's each in front of them and they go outside for a smoke. We see them go into the hotel lobby across the street and head into the lobby bar. Bartender heads over there to see what they're doing and tells them they've still have to come back and pay their tab. They promise they'll be right back over.

We leave their drinks at the bar and finish everything else up. By now it's been over half an hour and Bartender sees them outside smoking by the hotel (none of these guys was the lead singer btw - apparently he's not a douche says our friend who has partied with him before). Bartender heads over to the tallest one and says:

BT: "Listen man I need to do my cashout and close up here"
NB: "Oh ya for sure man, you need to get shit done. How much is the tab?"
BT: "it's at $115 bucks"
NB (as he pulls out a wad of cash): "Here you go man, thanks a lot" (hands BT $120)
BT: "Really?"
NB: "Ya man it's all yours. Great job man"
BT: "Really?! 5 bucks, really?" he shakes his head and comes back to the restaurant. Right before he gets inside he says to the guy "I hooked you guys up and you're giving me five dollars? Really?"

Basically Bartender had to serve them past last call, gave them free shots, had to chase them down twice, and got a super shitty tip when they finally paid.

So we drank their untouched rye's.


Breaking News!

Well, more like an update - it's been two weeks since I've written anything. I feel like I've been so busy but at the same time, I haven't really even been. More like lazy. Anyway, it's about time for a recap, bullet point style

  • I hung out with Bro a few weeks ago; a couple of us went over to his place after going out. It was there that I realized maybe he isn't actually my type. He has over 1,000 porn movies in his collection. Now I have no issue with guys having some porn: magazines, a few DVDs, whatever. When you have two ginormous CD cases full of every porn imaginable, you might have a problem. And I might get an inferiority complex...NEXT!
  • Remember when I burnt my arm? I have this scar on my arm that I wish I could get rid of. Does anyone know the best way to get rid of a scar? I've head of using Vitamin E among other things, any success stories?
  • I met a new dude that I've been on a couple dates with. He's cute though ten years older then me, he has a good job and actually calls when he says he will. I'm not going to say too much since I always jinx things like this!
  • I helped my dad pack and move a bunch of stuff this morning. My parents have lived there since I was a baby so it was strange to be pulling out all his stuff from the crawl-space and taking down the paintings that are his. It'll be a weird week.
  • I had an interview last week that I thought went really well, but the girl I'd be working closely with is actually my friend PartyGirl. Maybe the interviewer thought it was a negative that we're friends? I'm not sure what went wrong.
That pretty much sums up my last two weeks, hopefully as soon as all this snow melts I'll be in better spirits and writing more!


A Story of Coincidence

I love when strange things happen that can't really be explained. Take for example the story of King Umberto I:

In Monza, Italy, King Umberto I, went to a small restaurant for dinner, accompanied by his aide-de-camp, General Emilio Ponzia-Vaglia. When the owner took King Umberto's order, the King noticed that he and the restaurant owner were virtual doubles, in face and in build. Both men began discussing the striking resemblances between each other and found many more similarities.

a) Both men were born on the same day, of the same year, (March 14th, 1844).
b) Both men had been born in the same town.
c) Both men married a woman with same name, Margherita.
d) The restaurateur opened his restaurant on the same day that King Umberto was crowned King of Italy.

Strange as that was, on the 29th of July 1900, King Umberto was informed that the restaurateur had died that day in a mysterious shooting accident, and as he expressed his regret, he was then assassinated by an anarchist in the crowd.

While my story isn't quite that epic, I still find it pretty entertaining.

One night this week a bunch of us headed to the local "Cheers" watering hole for a brewsky after work. We were talking about Tori Spelling (who was going to be shooting scenes at the Restaurant) when one of the guys brought up the fact that Aaron Spelling is her dad and that's the only reason she got famous.

I made some comment about nepotism (the showing of favoritism toward relatives or friends based upon that relationship, rather than on an objective evaluation of ability or suitability) and how it happens often. One of the guys laughed and told me that he had heard that word for the first time earlier in the day.

There was a comedian, Gerry Dee, who has done a few stories on TSN. While they were playing the hockey game in our lounge that night, Gerry Dee was on talking about the Sutters (hockey family) and said: "Can you say nepotism?" when asking Darryl Sutter about his son (who plays hockey).

We had a whole discussion about coincidence and how once you hear a new word, all of a sudden it's everywhere.

The next day I head into work, sit down at the bar to have a bite before starting work and look at the television - which is playing the nepotism clip from the night before. The bartender says to a table behind me: "does that ever stop being strange?"

I turn around to see Gerry Dee sitting at the table behind me.


My New BFF

While Calgary isn't exactly an international mecca of film making and success, we do get a fair number of celebrities to this here city. The Restaurant where I work is sort of attached to one of the hotels where a large portion of them stay and directly across from another very upscale hotel.

We usually have all the football players in whenever there's a game in Calgary (Roughriders, BC Lions, Alouettes etc. - for you Americans this means nothing), we've had Jane Seymour in (all the guys fell in love with her), Mila Kunis, Keisha Shante, LeAnne Rimes, Jason Preistly was in, Dean Cain, The Trailor Park Boys have been in twice (they are actually so funny in person). We've also had bands, musicians and dancers.

Some of the big names roll with an entourage but most of them just have a friend or two. Generally they come in, hang out and everyone leaves them alone.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been spotted in and around town the last week or so. A few days ago they came into the Restaurant with their kids and a woman who was most likely the nanny. Of course everyone was like "omg it's Tori Spelling" but no one really approached them.

Last night while I was working, I realized that they were sitting at one of my tables in the lounge, (sans kids of course). He is gorgeous; she is tiny and even with no makeup still really pretty. I went up to them and we started chatting about our wines and then Sushi (she had a craving). I was trying to act like they were just any other table.

After I poured their wine (Amarone - my favorite), he asked me what my name was. I introduced myself and he shook my hand and said "I'm Dean," then she shook my hand and said "I'm Tori". I felt like saying "Obviously!" but I just said "nice to meet you!"

They had a glass of wine each and were going to eat but decided to get some sushi. They had half a bottle left so I just left it behind the bar and told them they could pay when they got back.

Three hours later, they show up again. They remembered my name and started telling me how bad the sushi was. I joked that they should have just stuck with our soup like they had originally planned.

As they were leaving I told them to have a good time here and I overheard her say "that was really nice, we should come back here". I couldn't believe how nice and down to earth they were; she almost seemed shy introducing herself, and they were so obviously in love (he kept calling her "mama") it was absolutely adorable.

Who says celebrities have to be snobs?


The Trump Way

I'm not trying to make anyone jealous here but I have some very exciting news to share...I'm sure it's only because of all the charitable work I've been doing. Well, that and let's face it, I am kind of a big deal.

See, I've been sent a very special personal invitation to join Donald Trump himself at a very exciting seminar held right here in Calgary. Not only was I personally invited but I received 2 complimentary VIP tickets. That's right bitches, Don and I are tight like that.

Apparently I'm going to learn about property investment and how to be a Real Estate mogul. It'll even teach me how to be my own boss Forever.

Now, the card only had a small sample of all the great things I'll be learning but it does put emphasis on the fact that (and I quote): "This is what I have learned the hard way, in the streets, fighting to grow my empire and fighting to stay on top"

I'm not really sure what kinds of things you learn on the streets of Park Avenue but I'm sure it'll be very eye-opening.

I'm pretty sure the signature is authentic and the card is hand-signed, after all what better things could he possibly be keeping busy with?

Don't worry, I won't forget about you while I'm off living my lavish lifestyle and making millions simply by looking at buildings.


Some More Irony

Remember Bro? Remember The Russian? If not and since you're all too lazy to click links I'm sure, I'll give you a very brief synopsis.

Bro is my old boss' brother. He's really nice and very charismatic; he was working up North so I hadn't seen him since Christmas. The Russian is my ex-boyfriend from High school who I hadn't seen since then until he came into my (old) work one day with his (kinda?) friends. He was the first guy I really cared about and we went through a lot together.

This is how my messed up life works...I hadn't seen either of them in a while and kind of even forgot about both of them since, you know, life happens.

Well Friday night guess who comes into the Restaurant and sits at my bar...Bro. He told me he was even going to call the restaurant to make sure that I was working but decided to just come see. Him and his friend hung out and drank for a couple hours, I chatted with him about his work and all that but I was really busy so didn't really get to talk too much.

As they were leaving, his friend paid and left $150 for the $137 bill. I was kind of upset about it because I had given them a discount and everything but whatever. Bro came back from the bathroom though and shook my hand, stealthily slipping me $40 in the process. He's back now from up North and won't be going back until next year so he said he'll call me and I guess we'll see where that goes!

As for The Russian, Saturday night I had a girls night with some friends. We drank a ton of wine and champagne and then headed out dancing. As I'm outside smoking, who do I see but the Russian walking towards me. He grabbed me in a big hug and started going on about he dropped his phone in beer or something so had obviously lost my number.

Him and his friend ended up hanging out with us girls for the rest of the night; dancing, drinking, all that fun stuff. I don't know if it's a Russian thing or what but he's very direct. He asked me if I had loved him, he told me that seeing me again must be fate (it is kinda strange that I didn't see him for over 7 years and then run into him twice in a few months, but fate? I dunno) and is totally comfortable asking potentially awkward questions.

He came over to my place after and it was fabulous. Gotta love not raising your numbers and still getting some. Especially when it's way better then you remember. We actually had a really good conversation in the morning about life in general, what's changed, what's the same, my parents divorce, his stint in the army, everything in general.

As he was leaving he said "I'll call you," to which I replied "like last time?" and laughed. He could only shake his head and point to his new phone, which is apparently not covered in beer.

Of course, seeing the two guys I kissed a few months ago, randomly in the same weekend, after not having seen either for over two months WOULD only happen to me.


A Very Special Award

Matt, I was just saving this one for you:


Two Posts & A Baby

Just kidding - there;s no baby - Tricked you !!

Guys, seriously it's TUESDAY night and here I am - drunk. It's my friends birthday and I had to down a bottle of wine before going out because I'm cheap amd don't want to spend money.

I also have a funny story about a gay guy hitting on me - seriously, it was awesome. Best. Compliment. Ever. Remind me to tell you or I'll totally forget. I'm awkward like that.

Anyway, this is the second drink blog in under a week - that spells bad news (or good times??) so I thin k really i should not get on the compurter after drinking a bottle to myself. I refuse to spell check this although it may break my heart reasindg (errm reading) it tomorrow and seeing how absol;utely awful I am at drunk typing. I always double (triple) chjeck but I won't allow it this time. (Must. Not. Change. Words.)

I just re-read this and am appalled at my spelling but such is life. Time to go par-tay with the drunk idiots now. I mean that in the nicest way possible - uI love therm, seriously.

Okay Rambkler McTalksALot - I'm out.

Drum Roll Please

This post is long overdue because I'm behind on everything and also, lazy.

I received a few wonderful awards - I love these things, they pretty up your page and make you feel good about yourself. We all need some love in February I think.

The first two are from the fabulous, brilliant Tova over at The Secret Life of Tova Darling. I love that girl, her Totally Awkward Tuesday posts always make me giggle because I'm an especially awkward person too.

Alright so this one is the "Premio Dardos" award which I guess means Darts Award:

"This award acknowledges the values that every Blogger displays in their effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write. Awards like this have been created with the intention of promoting community among Bloggers. It's a way to show appreciation and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web."

Next up, the Friends (?) Award (I only won this because I knew what the hell the description meant by self-aggrandizement):

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind of bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to three bloggers who must choose three more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

I especially like the part about how cleverly written the caption is. Whoever wrote that sure loves themselves. Awesome.

Last but not least, the talented and gorgeous LipSmacker from Lipstick Diaries gave me this award eons ago, and I sort of dropped the ball but I love it!

So thank you ladies, you're awesome!

The first award I'd like to give to the clever and always captivating Errant Gosling who lives in his Aerie; the ever witty Ben, who has so many awards he'll need a new shelf soon (and he deserves every one) over at No Ordinary Rollercoaster; and the sarcastic, lovable BeckEye at The Pop Eye

The second award I think should go to Alice over at Alice's Wonderland (because great minds really do think alike), the adorable Angela at My Quiet Testimony, and the hilarious Paula at *Insert My Blog Name Here*

The third award I'd like to pass along to Miss D over at Shallow and Very, Very Single, the fabulous MegKathleen at Golightly, and the amazing Chele (and her alter ego Laila) at The Tambourine Queen.


Drunk Bloggingh

The worst part og that title is that i was trying to be clevr and say blunk drogging but messed up and put it thr right way instead. I only know I'm drunk. Sleep time


Alice's Advice

Reading one of the ever hilarious Brandy's posts, in which she was talking about a wine hangover, I realized that I knew the cure for this debilitating condition. Which then made me think that maybe I actually know more about Stuff That Matters then I thought I did. So without further ado here is the first segment of: Alice's Advice

1. The secret to enjoying wine hangover-less: try taking an antihistamine (like Claritin) either before you drink the wine or right before you go to sleep. There are a lot of histamines in wine which can cause headaches and that general crappy I-Want-to-Kill-Myself feeling

Also, if you are drinking red wine try having a cup of black tea before you drink the wine and maybe another one after a few glasses. You might feel like an idiot ordering tea at a wine bar but trust me, the bioflavonoids in tea counteract the histamines that cause headaches.

2. Another great hangover cure (after a night of heavy Vodka consumption for example) is to drink anything green. A shot of wheat grass is number one, with that Happy Planet Green Machine (or something - I dunno the name but it's green) drink coming in a close second. Guzzle that crap back and you'll feel just dandy in half an hour (that's what she said).

3. Body wash does not work as shampoo. Neither does bubble bath.

4. If you have a very common first and last name, don't fly a short distance, on standby, last minute, over the US border. Even white girls get strip searched.

5. When on a first date save the stupid questions for once the relationship gets boring. If you want to know what I do for fun, ask me to plan a date. Don't ask me what I do for fun, I'm certain my answer won't be what you want to hear.

6. Getting a friend to call in sick to work for you only works if it is not 3 in the morning and if said friend is not as obliterated on cheap beer as you are.

Alright kids, there you have it. Some sage words of advice, I tell you. Need any answers to life's tough questions? Unsure how to get the soap scum off your mirror? Well, don't ask me. That's what Yahoo answers are for.


Irony is Awesome

I was supposed to go meet Frenchie for coffee after work today but was running a bit late. I saw the train coming and decided that I didn't have time to pay for the ticket.

In Calgary it's an honor-system basically, and the only one in North America that actually makes money. Usually, even though I'm one stop outside of the free fare zone (downtown it's free to ride the train), I'll pay for it. The transit cops like to sit at my stop and hand out $150 tickets and I'd really rather not be paying for their coffees for the month.

Anyway, today I didn't have time so I ran across the street and into the door of the train right before it shut. Suddenly I got a gut feeling that the transit cops (I use the term "cop" loosely) would be there, in fact I almost got off the train downtown to buy a ticket and wait for the next one.

We arrive at my stop and, of course, the cops are standing on the platform. Luckily I was on the last car so I just ducked into the next one while they were busy checking everyone on the platforms tickets. I can't afford $150. Also, I didn't pay my last C-train ticket (I sound like a criminal here) so I'm not sure what they do to you, haul you off to pseudo-jail? Fine you double? I really didn't want to find out.

I get to the next stop only to realize that there's no sidewalk and the only way to get to my house is down a busy road that is currently covered in slush, mud and ice. I'm tiptoeing around in this in my stilettos when I suddenly realize that a sidewalk has appeared across the street. In my excitement I started to cross and then see a car heading straight for me.

"Shit, shit, shit," I started yelling as I continued running to cross - another car coming the opposite direction came out of nowhere and I was almost toast. I made it to the other side and realized that I couldn't breath. Whether from my asthma, the cold, the panic or what, I don't know but I started gasping for air.

I slowly made my way down the hill knowing that my inhaler was at my house, a few blocks away. I finally made it home; wet, cold, gasping for breath and shaken.

The reason I was running late? I was at a Health & Safety meeting.


Divorce - Fun for the Whole Family!

I should probably explain my last post so I don't just look like Debbie-Downer over here.

I went to my parents house on Sunday, like I do every week. My parents are getting divorced but they still live together, like they have for 27 years. They each have their own living room, and they don't sleep in the same bedroom - it's been like that for years.

They still eat meals together with my younger sisters. My dad does most of the housework since he's semi-retired and my mom resents him for it since she's 9 years younger and still has to work.

My mother is an alcoholic but even when she isn't drinking she can be truly mean. The last three Sundays I've been over there she's found a reason to start a fight with me. Not just a minor fight but she starts yelling at me, slamming doors and generally just makes me cry.

Then she has the nerve to ask my younger sisters why I haven't been spending time with her lately, and tells them I'm on my dad's SIDE (like we're children and have to choose sides).

The difference is that my dad almost never talks about the divorce. When he talks about my mother, it's like he feels sorry for her. He reminds us that she loves us and he never says anything about her unless she is being particularly mean.

My dad is not by any means perfect. He can be controlling and he has a short temper. You can tell his way of "fighting" against my mom is by being the calm parent. I don't see anything wrong with that.

The reason I don't like hanging out with my mom lately is because all she talks about is how bad of a person my dad is. Or she'll talk about some aspect of the divorce, throwing it out there like it's such an improvement in her life.

She sorted the Christmas ornaments into "her" pile and "his" pile, organized hers neatly in special boxes and left his in a jumbled pile. Then she felt the need to show off how much bigger her pile was. She acts like a child.

I think my mother is pushing me away because she knows if it came down to it, I would hang out with my dad more then her. She's hard to deal with and I'm so sick of hearing about how bad of a person my dad is.

I'm sick of hearing her plans for divorce, I'm sick of hearing about how my dad plans to screw her in the divorce proceedings (he doesn't want to hire lawyers, he wants to just settle it - "you take your things, I take mine". She has a divorce lawyer and it seems like she WANTS things to get nasty. She wants him to be miserable). I'm sick of hearing about SIDES and whose SIDE we're on. I'm sick of being around her.

If that means I've chosen my dad's side, well so be it.


Waiting for Spring

"It can only get better" they say tritely
"Next year will be different"
"Things have to start looking up for you"

Every year I go through these bouts. These periods where my mind can't stop thinking negatively. I want to curl in a ball on my couch and never leave the house. I don't eat all day or I eat everything I can grab. I feel like crying but my eyes are selfish and hold the tears to themselves.

I wear pyjamas from the moment I walk in the door and find excuses not to answer my phone. I watch TV but don't really see anything. I can't sleep so I try reading, I try sleeping pills, I try a bath. I try tea, I try writing, I try laying in bed thinking of nothing and everything. I try imagining somewhere hot, and listening to waves on a beach.

I am awake but my mind is confused. How did I end up here? Like this? Lonely, sad, unable to express myself and not understanding what it is that has brought me down so low. Some nights I might go have a drink at my very own Cheers with friends but this is a temporary distraction.

I wander around the museum for hours, wishing I could disappear into the paintings, into the sculptures and be a part of history instead of making my own. I wander around the library even longer - until the librarian announces the imminent closing - picking up books and flipping through the pages.

I read comedic memoirs which remind me all too well how mine would suffer in comparison. I read serious books about war and crimes against humanity. They say misery loves company. I read books about love, about pain, about reality. Sometimes I read a book so densely and intricately worded I have to reread paragraphs three times just to understand what is happening. These are my favorite of all, they take up the most time.

Once the snow melts, once the grass returns, once the sun again has the starring role and not just a cameo, I'll be okay. But for now, for now I'll sit waiting.


Do Not Pass Go

PartyGirl (on phone): "Oh, so the police called me yesterday looking for your number..."

Alice racks her brain trying to think of any possible reason the cops would call her. She has been so broke lately she's considered robbing a bank and is now afraid that they have developed a new mind reading technology designed to get criminals before they strike

PartyGirl: "Apparently we're being subpoenaed"

Turns out I'm not going to jail after all, which is good because I'm pretty sure orange is not my color; it makes my skin look all pale and blotchy.

Here's the story - wait, am I allowed to tell this or because there's an ongoing case is it illegal for me to talk about? Screw it, I'm telling it anyway.

One night PartyGirl and I were driving home after a party at our friends house. We were stopped at a light and all of sudden there's a jolt, crash - and we're hit from behind. The guy in the SUV behind us signalled for us to pull over (it's a pretty major intersection) so we pulled off into this parking lot behind a building.

The guy gets out of his car and literally straggered over. PartyGirl cracked her window and asked him for his registration. The guy is acting all weird and confused. He was bald, short and pudgy and very Spanish looking. He was wearing a yellow jacket but no shirt underneath. We kept looking at each other like "seriously, is this guy for real?"

He pulls out a bag of cocaine and tries to give it to us while slurring and asking what we want from him. I think he thought we had pulled over to do a drug deal.

Ya, actually, we just want your registration info dude.

So I proceed to call the police. The guy started asking PartyGirl who I was talking to, she told him it was her dad on the line. Well apparently he didn't believe her because he took off running. He left his car in the parking lot and just ran.

When the cops showed up (three cars - it must have been a slow night) they first searched his car (found nothing there) and had us fill out reports. One of the cops knew PartyGirl from a class they'd both taken in college so we were all just kind of joking around about that while the cops made fun of how terrible my writing is (it looks like a boys writing, really).

Since we'd already described him to the cops, suddenly one of them was like: " that him??" This moron came back, strolling by super casually. Yes, the idiot who ran into us.

The cops chased him down and tackled him to the ground. After they carted him away we headed home. This happened months ago, I'd completely forgotten about it but apparently I have to go to court and tell my version of what happened.

Know what I'm actually kind of excited about? I get to wear a power suit and killer heels.

PS - Alice for President

I was nominated for a 20-something blogger award:

Best Up-and-Coming Blog (Started in 2008)

Which is actually kind of exciting to me, so if you are a member of the 20sb network and feel like voting go here, even if you don't vote for me

Trust me, there's a lot of talent on them there ballots!


I Should Have Taken The Brandy

This whole past month I just haven't been feeling creative or funny or even very interesting, therefore my blog has suffered - so for that, I apologize. When it becomes cold and dreary I sort of shut down and just lay around being lazy when I'm not at work. I promise eventually I'll be feeling back up to par and stop being so lame.

Tonight, I had an interesting night at work. There's these guys who are from England staying in the hotel that is adjacent to our restaurant. They've been coming in for the last few weeks for a few beers after they're done work. They are all from the British Air Force and there are about 25 of them.

Tonight one of them asked me to go for a drink with him on Thursday. I'm going to go even though it seems a bit pointless since they'll be leaving soon and heading back to England, but either way, it'll be fun I'm sure.

To update my dating situations right now; I saw Bro again over Christmas and it was really nice. He brought me a Christmas CD which was sweet, we watched a movie and had some drinks. It was a lot of fun and I really feel comfortable around him. He's gone up North again until February though. I haven't spoken to ADD since Christmas because frankly he's far too ADD for me. I'm hyper as it is, I don't need someone three times as energetic as myself around!

As for the Russian, that's another story entirely (which has to do with the piano bar and the sketchiness there) but I'll save that for another day.

On my way home from work I started coughing in my cab. As he dropped me off the cab driver was telling me that if I have some Brandy with hot water, I'll sleep through the night. I laughed and said that I didn't have any Brandy at my house to which he replied:

"You want Brandy? I go get Brandy! I bring to you right now the Brandy!"

Erm, no thanks but definitely E for effort, and a bigger tip...


A Few More Blondie-isms

A bartender and I were talking about something being blasphemous, completely joking around. He then said something along the lines of: "No, what's blasphemous is saying that a zombie who rises from the dead around Easter time is unbelievable."

Blondie looks at us and asks: "Who, the Easter Bunny?"


While we were doing our cash-outs at work;
Blondie turns to me and says: "How do you spell owe?"
Alice: "Sorry? Like the letter O?"
Blondie: "No, like I'm trying to write I.O.U...oh....never mind"


Blondie: "I don't think blondes are dumb, I think it's all the brown-headed people who dye their hair that make blondes look dumb"
Alice: "You mean brunettes?"

(The irony? Blondie is a natural brunette)



Year of the Rat - Good Riddance

Wow, what a vacation I just took. I haven't written anything since before Christmas. I've been busy working and hanging out with the family and all the other poor excuses I can think of (Translation: I'm lazy). Prepare yourself, this ones a doozy.

So one of my friends roommates had a theory for me on why my year was so terrible. See I was born in the Year of the Rat and apparently in Chinese culture, whenever "your" year roles around it's bad luck and you'll have a bad year. Guess what year it was last year? Year of the Rat.

Either way, I had a shitty year (other then my fabulous vacations) so any way to explain it works for me. Right, and I saw someone else do this somewhere and it looked like a good idea, so here I go; it's the year-long summary.


January 6th last year I came home after working both jobs to find my house entirely flooded. I couldn't turn on the lights because I could be electrocuted from the water, so I had to search through the sopping wet house for clothes to wear to The Office the next day with a flashlight, while shivering my ass off because the furnace broke due to aforementioned water. Run-on sentences a large part of my life, apparently, at this time. Moved back with the parentals while damage was being fixed.


I actually have a Valentines date for the first time since I broke up with my ex 3 years ago. This guy I dated in HS (it's a cycle I tell you) and I went for dinner and it was nice but slightly awkward. I had way more fun having a single girls hot-tub party last year. Decide V-day is way overrated and will never worry about it again.

Eleven of us jet-set off to Cuba. It was the first tropical vacation I'd ever been on (I highly doubt England or Scotland count as tropical although they are lovely)

I also got a promotion at The Office this month. Dizzy and her adorable baby also came for a visit: one good month out of three so far.


My birthday. I went for dinner with Frenchie and PA. There were supposed to be a lot more people but there was a freakin blizzard so everyone was delayed etc. so planned to meet us afterward. Luckily, about 25 people showed up at the lounge later so I didn't feel like a complete moron.

Pseudo and I pretty much ended things this month, although the off and on thing continues.


I was FINALLY able to move back home after renovations to my house were completed. This month consisted mostly of me drinking away any sorrows.

There was the Lilac Festival - it rained the whole day but we still got to watch shirtless men play beach volleyball, there was the night of What Were We Thinking, there was the sex-toy party I had after which we all went out absolutely drunkity-drunk and I ran into O/N for the first time since however many years ago.

Pseudo and I ended things after he ran into me with O/N and I refused to leave O/N to go to Pseudo's. He called me the next day apologizing and we decided we'd be better as friends.


I started my blog this month, after searching something on the internet and coming across a blog about a working girl. I ended up reading the whole thing and thought - hey, why not. So the rest of my year will be summed up in pictures:

July: Went house-boating with 9 great ladies and 3 awesome guys. O/N had a boat with all his buddies - much hilarity ensued:

August: Blondie and I with the John Deere rep (his name was John) in PEI:

Right after I worked my ass off planning the Corporate golf tournament...this happened.

Cue nervous breakdown beginning.

October: Went to visit my fantastic sister Dizzy, her hubby and their adorable baby. I drove there with Mum and we did a little BC coast tour.


Found out the parents are (finally) getting a divorce. This makes things slightly more awkward as they do still live together.

December Our last Christmas together as a family. Mom tried to upstage Dad, although we all agreed on a low budget this year. Instead we got things like laptops and iTouch's from Mom and the agreed upon amount from Dad. How this makes sense, I don't know.

Next Christmas, Alice is going on vacation.