Sunday

Waiting for Spring

"It can only get better" they say tritely
"Next year will be different"
"Things have to start looking up for you"

Every year I go through these bouts. These periods where my mind can't stop thinking negatively. I want to curl in a ball on my couch and never leave the house. I don't eat all day or I eat everything I can grab. I feel like crying but my eyes are selfish and hold the tears to themselves.

I wear pyjamas from the moment I walk in the door and find excuses not to answer my phone. I watch TV but don't really see anything. I can't sleep so I try reading, I try sleeping pills, I try a bath. I try tea, I try writing, I try laying in bed thinking of nothing and everything. I try imagining somewhere hot, and listening to waves on a beach.

I am awake but my mind is confused. How did I end up here? Like this? Lonely, sad, unable to express myself and not understanding what it is that has brought me down so low. Some nights I might go have a drink at my very own Cheers with friends but this is a temporary distraction.

I wander around the museum for hours, wishing I could disappear into the paintings, into the sculptures and be a part of history instead of making my own. I wander around the library even longer - until the librarian announces the imminent closing - picking up books and flipping through the pages.

I read comedic memoirs which remind me all too well how mine would suffer in comparison. I read serious books about war and crimes against humanity. They say misery loves company. I read books about love, about pain, about reality. Sometimes I read a book so densely and intricately worded I have to reread paragraphs three times just to understand what is happening. These are my favorite of all, they take up the most time.

Once the snow melts, once the grass returns, once the sun again has the starring role and not just a cameo, I'll be okay. But for now, for now I'll sit waiting.

13 comments:

iartaday.com said...

=/ i know i don't comment often - but i understand all too well. {sending warmth your way} i'm ready to thaw out.

sarahbelledotcom said...

okay, clearly this is a winter problem. i have the solution to all your problems: VANCOUVER. milder climate, oceans, fun, etc. come here. you'll enjoy it :)

(ps. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. and seriously. i hope everything is okay. and you have my number if you need anything. OXOXO)

Paula said...

January is so depressing due to the fact it's dark and cold . . . then February is depressing cos it has Valentines day right in the middle of it. Roll on March . . . at least there's a glimmer of sunlight AND hope then!

rs27 said...

It's always warm in Los Angeles. This is why it rules.

You're invited.

Carmen said...

This must be a Calgary thing... the past while I have been so far in the dumps I don't even want to see other people for fear my blah-ness will wear off on them... arg.

d said...

UGH I AM THE SAME PERSON.

I cannot decide if it is severe depression or if it's just something called my late 20's. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and I just want to hermit away my existence in my apartment alone. It's pathetic. :(

Chin up, sunshine.

Maxie said...

I hate feeling like that. Is there anything that would make you feel better? When I'm feeling super shitty I focus on one good thing and just do that over and over.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

im so with you on this. i listen to "the secret" to help me stay positive. as lame as that may sound.

nuttycow said...

I think it's probably the lack of sunshine - I get it too. I neeeeeed sunshine to survive.

Chin up. Spring's nearly here

Sarah Elizabeth said...

I'm right there with you. Minus all of the going outside of the house. I stick to the couch whenever possible.

Alice said...

this winter has been long, cold, and grey, without even the payoff of good snowstorms. ready for something different, please..!

DocElectron said...

I go through this too from time to time... usually in the very late summer when we've been inside for what seems like months.

It's tough, even when you know that you're going to come through it. Here's hoping for a quick transition into spring.

pistols at dawn said...

Um, I'm no psychologist, but isn't Canada a terrible place to live if you hate winter?