My dad and I drove down to Vegas from Calgary this week, with a detour to Yellowstone National Park. It was a long drive but beautiful and we had a really good road trip. My dad made me laugh unintentionally a million times; he reminds me of $#*! My Dad Says.
For example when he was in the hospital a few months ago, my sisters and I went to visit him around 11 am:
Dad: "I hate it here. They won't let me shower. And I haven't even gotten a paper today"
Me: "Want me to run downstairs and grab one for you?"
Dad: "No! Why would I want this morning's paper? That's old news."
I thought I'd share some of his road trip wisdom.
On Saving a Couple Bucks:
I go to turn off the lights as we're leaving the hotel
Dad: "Don't turn out no lights, they can god damned well pay for that electricity. Cheap bastards don't even include breakfast."
We're running out of gas and see a turn off, the next sign says Gas - 5 Miles
Dad: "I'm not driving 5 bloody miles to get gas! What the hell kind of a scam is this? I'd rather run out."
On Law Enforcement:
Dad: "I've never gone through Idaho without getting a ticket. It's like driving in BC" (where he gets a ticket. Every. Single. Time.)
5 seconds later, the speed limit = 55 mph:
Dad: "I think that's a cop...should I fly by him at 65? ...I'm gonna."
Outside the Idaho border
Me: "Well! You made it through Idaho without getting a ticket!"
Dad, sounding forlorn: "It's a new record."
On Being A Dad
As we're leaving the hotel I realize I forgot my swimsuit in the last hotel, sadly 400 miles behind us
Dad: "Don't forget nothin' again. I didn't think I had to be following you around like a little baby. I don't wanna hear no more sob stories."
On Religion
Upon arriving in Utah I note the slogan is "The Elevated State"
Dad: "That's because we're in Mormon country. You can't walk 2 feet without trippin
g over one"
For example when he was in the hospital a few months ago, my sisters and I went to visit him around 11 am:
Dad: "I hate it here. They won't let me shower. And I haven't even gotten a paper today"
Me: "Want me to run downstairs and grab one for you?"
Dad: "No! Why would I want this morning's paper? That's old news."
I thought I'd share some of his road trip wisdom.
On Saving a Couple Bucks:
I go to turn off the lights as we're leaving the hotel
Dad: "Don't turn out no lights, they can god damned well pay for that electricity. Cheap bastards don't even include breakfast."
We're running out of gas and see a turn off, the next sign says Gas - 5 Miles
Dad: "I'm not driving 5 bloody miles to get gas! What the hell kind of a scam is this? I'd rather run out."
On Law Enforcement:
Dad: "I've never gone through Idaho without getting a ticket. It's like driving in BC" (where he gets a ticket. Every. Single. Time.)
5 seconds later, the speed limit = 55 mph:
Dad: "I think that's a cop...should I fly by him at 65? ...I'm gonna."
Outside the Idaho border
Me: "Well! You made it through Idaho without getting a ticket!"
Dad, sounding forlorn: "It's a new record."
On Being A Dad
As we're leaving the hotel I realize I forgot my swimsuit in the last hotel, sadly 400 miles behind us
Dad: "Don't forget nothin' again. I didn't think I had to be following you around like a little baby. I don't wanna hear no more sob stories."
On Religion
Upon arriving in Utah I note the slogan is "The Elevated State"
Dad: "That's because we're in Mormon country. You can't walk 2 feet without trippin
g over one"I asked why they have these signs:
Me: "What's with the beehives?"
Dad: "Bees are really religious animals"
Me: "...how come?"
Dad: "because they swarm."
On Sightseeing
I asked if we were going to be near the Grand Canyon and if so can we stop? We figured out it was over 100 miles out of the way.
Later on, as we're driving through Arizona:
Me (looking at the map): "We're only in Arizona for about 50 miles"
Dad: "And the whole thing looks like the goddamn Grand Canyon"
I'll leave you with this quick video:
