An Explanation If I May

Ok maybe not so over pseudo-bf.

For some reason, I just started thinking about him and felt nauseous. Romantic, I know. Ha. Seriously though.

I guess I should backtrack a bit on this one...

I am not a romantic - candlelit dinner with soft music? Gag. "Sweetums" and "honey" and all kissy-face while walking down the street? Hurl. I find it too contrived, typical. Fake. Call me cynical, but I'd rather a guy spontaneously pick me up and carry me across a puddle. That kind of shit is sweet.

Anyway, pseudo-bf and I met over a game of poker. His friends thought we'd hit it off and luckily didn't let me know they were trying to set us up. Otherwise I hardly think I'd have gone. Anyway they were right; we hit it off, went out bla bla.

I hate the "what-exactly-are-we-doing-with-this-whole-dating-thing" conversation. Apparently pseudo-bf was not a fan either so we really didn't have it. He had broken up with his gf of 5 years not long before we met, I had moved out of my ex-bfs place 4 months earlier. It was understood that neither of us wanted a 'Commitment'.

And so it went; we went out for dinner, talked all the time, slept together, hung out all weekend etc. but he wasn't my boyfriend and yes, I saw other people. Then we had a talk where I told him that it wasn't working. Mainly I think I was scared that I wanted something else from him and unsure that he was willing to give it. He had told me he didn't want a 'relationship' for at least a couple years when we first met (ex-gf issues or whatnot - he is nothing if not totally honest). I think the are-we-booty-calls-or-not was too confusing for me. You don't generally talk pretty much every night with just a booty call.

Yet, I randomly started talking to him again 5 months later. I think the scenario was something like this:

Me: *drunk dialing from the bar* "Pseudo-bf! What are you doing?"
Pseudo-bf: "Alice?"
Me: "Can you come get me? I want to see you" (I'm drunk! And want lovin'!)
Pseudo-bf: (probably thinking I'm the most random person ever) "uh...sure, be there soon"

And then it started again with the talking all the time, weekends together and all that jazz. We were even in Vancouver on vacation at the same time and spent pretty much the whole time he was out there in his hotel room. He was on a friends stag so you can imagine. It actually worked out great. I would go out around dinner time with my friends who live there and he would go out with the stag guys and then we'd meet up partway through the night.

Anyway, shit hit the fan and I don't think I'm ready to deal with all that in this blog yet but it sucked. We didn't talk for a few months again. Then he called. He missed me. We tried to work things out but he was hurt, I was hurt. We would hang out a few times, get scared, stop talking.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Anyway, we had a "talk" recently where I told him I was fine with the way things were. I like going out with my friends on Fridays, I like meeting up with him and his friends later, I like hanging out on Saturdays in his T-shirts. I like that if I want to go out with the ladies on a Thursday, get drunk, and make a total ass out of myself I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

Now I'm not so sure. I think if he can't give me more (and I'm not exactly sure what I mean by that) I need to move on. I'm not that girl - the one who needs a boyfriend, the one who calls him all the time to see what he's up to, the one who gets upset if he goes out with his friends without (God-forbid) telling her. The girl who gets mad at him for every little thing. He's scared of that girl - hell, I would be, if I were a guy. He needs his space, his singledom, his whatever and I think he's afraid of me (or any girl) becoming that girl. Then again, I think after 2 years he'd clearly see I'm not about to be. I need my freedom as much as he needs his. I'm an Aries!

I mean, he's 31 now, and still things are the same.

I go through it on waves. Like on Thursday when he invited me out and I declined (so not normal of me. Not going to lie - I was totally considering it until I thought about the fact that I was wearing comfy pants and a ponytail already. The prospect of half an hour to get ready didn't thrill me). Then there was Friday - when I didn't answer (!) his call (!!) and was having an awesome time with O/N guy

But then today I miss him. Go figure.