Tuesday

Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads (book report by Falwless)

Hi there, dummies! It's me, Falwless, from over there at Lots Better Then Your Blog, filling in for Alice today. I probably don't know most of you readers, which really is a shame. I mean, for you, mostly.

When Alice invited me to* do a guest post on this here little web diary of hers, she didn't tell me I'd actually have to come up with the post on my own. I mean, I'm new to this guest post crap. I thought, you know, since she invited me, she'd, like, leave me some material and I'd just type it out or edit it or whatever. I dunno. I was all, pshaa, bring it on! Easy peazy, beezy!

But then I got here and nothing. There's nothing to greet me but wilting plants and strange-looking people. I effing hate you, Alice. You and this dumb mediocre town.

So, I guess I have to pull from my magical box I lovingly call "Oh Shit What The Hell Is There To Write About Today?" Yeah, I know what you're thinking--this is gonna be good. Strap in, monkeys.

About a month ago I was searching The Google for something I can't even recall now, and a really strange sponsored ad popped up on the right side that had nothing to do with what I searched for. So, because I am made mostly of things like "awesome" and "more awesome" and "no godforsaken life whatsoever," I started punching in random search queries to see if The Google could make me laugh.

Well, my wishes came true. Enjoy this little Average-Land foray into Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads.

Search term: fetish smelly feet

As expected, really. Niiice.


Search term: cows

What questions could this survey possibly ask?


Search term: grey hair

Yes, calm the eff down, google searcher. Jesus, get a grip, would you?


Search term: ham radio

Don't we all aspire to be hams?


Search term: I hate you

Interesting sales tactic. Reminds me of my blog, actually.


Search term: dry cleaning

This wouldn't be funny except for the word "extreme." HOLY SHIT! SOME CRAZY ASS DRY CLEANIN' START UP TIPS, PARTY PEOPLE!


Search term: puke

Shop around, people. Don't pay too much.


Search term: senior citizen

I don't know if you can find one in particular (Grandma?), or if you just have to take the next one available...


Search term: look young

The shittiest sponsored ad ever. FAIL. (Is that even a real website? powerWIGHT? WTF?)


Search term: sucks

The best sponsored ad ever. WIN.


Search term: toilet paper

I'm most interested in the reviews.


Search term: advertise website

Hmmm. Maybe the owner of that top ad should rethink things.


and, last but not least:

Search term: weight loss

Way to motivate, google ad. Way to motivate. Nice work.


All right, that's all, ladies and gentlescrotums. If you enjoyed this, then you will surely** enjoy the other daily nonsense I type on my blog, so maybe it's time you stopped reading Alice's stupid little diary here and read mine instead! SHHHH! Don't tell her I said that!

Seriously, though, don't tell her or I will hunt you down, I swear to god. Don't even try me, loser!


* demanded that I
** most likely not

19 comments:

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

This was a great post. You should guest here more often.

In other news, I'm hung over. Urgh.

Dr Zibbs said...

What the hell are you doing over here Falwless? How was the bustrip to AliceLand? I know you took a bus because Alice asked me to be a guest but I said only if I was picked up in a limo or rickshaw.
Pretty funny post.I think I'll steal the idea.

Gwen said...

I don't know. I've always likes Rose. I think that Juliet is a bitch.

Gwen said...

liked, not likes - jeez, I'm starting to type like Zibbs

BeckEye said...

Yeah, I gave up puking. It's way too expensive and it's not really a good way to loose wight.

Red said...

Why the hell were you searching "fetish smelly feet," you sicko?

And can you turn off Alice's Word Ver? That would be pretty rad and sneaky.

Red said...

P.S. I love the word Beezy. Who came up with that? They are a genius!

well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

blazing traffic totally didn't do his homework.

SkylersDad said...

WTF?? I had to click *multiple times* just to get over here and I find the same Google ads I can get at my own place? I mean minus all the related porn and all, but the same frigging ads!?

surviving myself said...

I bet the reviews on the toilet paper have something about "no dingleberry guarantee" rolls.

I need to look into those.

Man, that was gross.

pistols at dawn said...

Rose is totally going to ess herself when she sees this. Ah, who am I kidding? She was going to do that anyway, that incontinent old bag.

words words words said...

You should be saving the good stuff for your OWN blog! This was just an opportunity for shameless promotion, not a way to waste good material!

P.S., nice place you got here, Alice. Not too good, not too bad, just kind of...well, you know, baby bear.

Leonesse said...

Is there really such a thing as Gentlescrotums? More like HangyBags, but I see what you did there!

Whiskeymarie said...

It's encouraging to know that I can now sell my used pantyhose instead of making whimsical butt-shaped refrigerator magnets out of them for the craft shows.

And some advice: Don't get the discount puking. The seams don't hold up after one or two uses.

enc said...

Who would've guessed that people wore—or sold—used pantyhose.

poobomber said...

We just can't escape you.

Micgar said...

Dammit Falwless! I was thinking of doing that kinda thing too-those ads are so funny! That's some funny shit here! Good stuff-I'm gonna go try some of those searches!

Kez said...

hahaha google rocks.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Dr. Z - did the limo ever show up? I had to get it at budget-rent-a-fake-limo. Times are tough in Average-land. You know, the economy bla bla.

Falw this is hilarious. I've been looking for discount puking for EVER.

Thanks for the post, even if you are making me look bad with your funniness (is that even a word?)