When Alice invited me to* do a guest post on this here little web diary of hers, she didn't tell me I'd actually have to come up with the post on my own. I mean, I'm new to this guest post crap. I thought, you know, since she invited me, she'd, like, leave me some material and I'd just type it out or edit it or whatever. I dunno. I was all, pshaa, bring it on! Easy peazy, beezy!
But then I got here and nothing. There's nothing to greet me but wilting plants and strange-looking people. I effing hate you, Alice. You and this dumb mediocre town.
So, I guess I have to pull from my magical box I lovingly call "Oh Shit What The Hell Is There To Write About Today?" Yeah, I know what you're thinking--this is gonna be good. Strap in, monkeys.
About a month ago I was searching The Google for something I can't even recall now, and a really strange sponsored ad popped up on the right side that had nothing to do with what I searched for. So, because I am made mostly of things like "awesome" and "more awesome" and "no godforsaken life whatsoever," I started punching in random search queries to see if The Google could make me laugh.
Well, my wishes came true. Enjoy this little Average-Land foray into Ridiculous Google Sponsored Ads.
Search term: fetish smelly feet
As expected, really. Niiice.
Search term: cows
What questions could this survey possibly ask?
Search term: grey hair
Yes, calm the eff down, google searcher. Jesus, get a grip, would you?
Search term: ham radio
Don't we all aspire to be hams?
Search term: I hate you
Interesting sales tactic. Reminds me of my blog, actually.
Search term: dry cleaning
This wouldn't be funny except for the word "extreme." HOLY SHIT! SOME CRAZY ASS DRY CLEANIN' START UP TIPS, PARTY PEOPLE!
Search term: puke
Shop around, people. Don't pay too much.
Search term: senior citizen
I don't know if you can find one in particular (Grandma?), or if you just have to take the next one available...
Search term: look young
The shittiest sponsored ad ever. FAIL. (Is that even a real website? powerWIGHT? WTF?)
Search term: sucks
The best sponsored ad ever. WIN.
Search term: toilet paper
I'm most interested in the reviews.
Search term: advertise website
Hmmm. Maybe the owner of that top ad should rethink things.
and, last but not least:
Search term: weight loss
Way to motivate, google ad. Way to motivate. Nice work.
All right, that's all, ladies and gentlescrotums. If you enjoyed this, then you will surely** enjoy the other daily nonsense I type on my blog, so maybe it's time you stopped reading Alice's stupid little diary here and read mine instead! SHHHH! Don't tell her I said that!
Seriously, though, don't tell her or I will hunt you down, I swear to god. Don't even try me, loser!
* demanded that I
** most likely not
17 comments:
This was a great post. You should guest here more often.
In other news, I'm hung over. Urgh.
What the hell are you doing over here Falwless? How was the bustrip to AliceLand? I know you took a bus because Alice asked me to be a guest but I said only if I was picked up in a limo or rickshaw.
Pretty funny post.I think I'll steal the idea.
liked, not likes - jeez, I'm starting to type like Zibbs
Yeah, I gave up puking. It's way too expensive and it's not really a good way to loose wight.
P.S. I love the word Beezy. Who came up with that? They are a genius!
blazing traffic totally didn't do his homework.
WTF?? I had to click *multiple times* just to get over here and I find the same Google ads I can get at my own place? I mean minus all the related porn and all, but the same frigging ads!?
I bet the reviews on the toilet paper have something about "no dingleberry guarantee" rolls.
I need to look into those.
Man, that was gross.
Rose is totally going to ess herself when she sees this. Ah, who am I kidding? She was going to do that anyway, that incontinent old bag.
You should be saving the good stuff for your OWN blog! This was just an opportunity for shameless promotion, not a way to waste good material!
P.S., nice place you got here, Alice. Not too good, not too bad, just kind of...well, you know, baby bear.
Is there really such a thing as Gentlescrotums? More like HangyBags, but I see what you did there!
It's encouraging to know that I can now sell my used pantyhose instead of making whimsical butt-shaped refrigerator magnets out of them for the craft shows.
And some advice: Don't get the discount puking. The seams don't hold up after one or two uses.
Who would've guessed that people wore—or sold—used pantyhose.
We just can't escape you.
Dammit Falwless! I was thinking of doing that kinda thing too-those ads are so funny! That's some funny shit here! Good stuff-I'm gonna go try some of those searches!
hahaha google rocks.
Dr. Z - did the limo ever show up? I had to get it at budget-rent-a-fake-limo. Times are tough in Average-land. You know, the economy bla bla.
Falw this is hilarious. I've been looking for discount puking for EVER.
Thanks for the post, even if you are making me look bad with your funniness (is that even a word?)
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