When Being The Worst is The Best

So Falwless reminded me of something important with her last blog post.

I sell Mary Kay.

Yes that's right, I'm that annoying person who tries to get you to buy makeup, lotions and other stuff so I can make a few bucks.

Oh, wait - no I'm not because I've never sold a damn thing.

I was the worst Mary Kay representative ever. They should give me an award for that or something. Seriously. I had just one party the whole time, where I invited 8 of my friends over. I had 3 bottles of apple vodka and 3 bottles of red wine.

You can see where this is going.

Basically I did all my friends makeup, we drank all the booze and went back to the liquor store (twice) then headed out to the bar - Hey-Oh!! What? I'm supposed to get them to BUY things? Whoops. Well I still have my starter kits (tons of sample makeup) and get a 50% discount if I ever actually order anything so I guess it wasn't a total loss*.

On another note, this morning I woke up, dragged my creaky 90-year-old woman body out of bed and practically fell over. Wait, when did I turn 90? I should have known something was wrong when I went to bed at 10 last night. 10? Really? That's about the time I usually eat dinner.

Well as it turns out, I'm sick. My head aches, my body hurts, I'm all stuffy and sneezing and congested. My hands are cold, my body is hot (then cold) and I'm whiney.

Ok so maybe it's just a cold** but it's a bad one. I need some soup. I need my bed. I need a manservant to serve me soup, read me a bedtime story and press a cold compress to my face while gently massaging my forehead. I need a pile of blankets made out of goose down and bear fleece or whatever the hell that soft material is. I need Echinacea, Vitamin C and Cold Fx administered intravenously.

But here I am at work. Damn you Corporate America, damn you and your "Responsibility" and "Accountability" and "Taking Credit for Projects That Other People Did". Damn you to hell.***

* It actually was a total loss
** or maybe it's the Avian virus? Norwolk? Mumps? Polo? Black Plague? SARS???
(No, I've never been called a hypochondriac)
*** I totally stole
that concept with the linkage to hell from Poobomber


Anonymous said...

I stole the linkage idea from Dr. Zibbs!

It's all paying forward or something like that!

But well done, young lady. Well done. Linking HELL to Edmonton is the master sneakylink, and so very very true.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, get well soon too!

surviving myself said...

I vote for Bird Flu! I hear it's making a comeback.

The Alleged Ringleader said...

I hope it's not SARS!
Feel better!

Falwless said...

Whatever you do do NOT go near the godforsaken WebMD. I once had a tummy ache and I came away from that website CONVINCED I should google "Creating a will in an emergency" because my days were numbered.

Thanks for the link love. And I laughed like hell about your fail as a Mary Kay consultant.

Which reminds me -- did I ever tell you my off-color lesbian joke? No I didn't? Well goodness me. Ready for it? Okay. Why can't lesbians diet and wear makeup at the same time? It's kind of hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.


Oh, and the link to Edmonton had me rollin'. I know nothing about Edmonton, but it's still funny. Nice work.

Dr Zibbs said...

I too - before reading the comments was going to say the hell link was great. Since Poobomber says I invented it, I'd like it to be called a "Zibbs-linker" from now on.
As for being sick, maybe if you doll yourself up with some of that Mary Kay you've got sitting around it might help. Just sayin.

Paula said...

How about chikungunga fever or something like that? quite a lot of people apply for mitigating circumstances in our exams due to that! doesn't sound pleasant though . . .

also, i used to sell avon and was probably the worst avon rep ever, so you're in good company.

get well soon!

Angela said...

Well girl! Get on it! I'm sure you could sell a lot of Mary Kay makeup as long as you get a good clientele. My mom has been going to her Mary Kay lady since she was a teenager. Even after her lady moved to Colorado, my mom STILL orders from her!

rs27 said...

It must be some of that Canadian Ebola Virus.

Stay away from me.

Even though Ebola gets a bad rap.

you should sell Amway. Where else can you buy a toaster and a calculator?

BloodRedRoses said...

mmmm... man servants are the best! Too bad you can never find one when you REALLY need him.

Tricky bastards.

Get well soon!

Maxie said...

I'm sick too-- I think part of it is allergy season for the fall coming back. It effin sucks.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Get well soon! I recently learned about Beaver Fever* from my Canadian Future In-Laws, it sounds nasty. I hope you don't have it.

*It may sound like a Canadian 80s sex comedy, but it's apparently a real illness!

Anonymous said...

I really hope you have a Mary Kay bumper sticker. That would raise your cool factor infinitely.

Anonymous said...

T.I.R. - I had beaver fever once! For real, and it's got nothing to do with vaginas!

Well except for the one that was too lazy to cook a simple meal for me when I was sick and couldn't move for a couple weeks.

Snap! (Zing?)

Anonymous said...

manservant? I like where this is going. Like all your posts, I love love love this one. It's so funny and I can definitely see myself making the same attempt. At least you had a good time and that's all that really matters.

Matt said...

I hate mary kay.

they're the only ones who sell the derek jeter stuff I buy...and I have this lady who orders it for me and never gives me back my change.

really sweet of her.

Lyla Lou said...

I told my boss that I thought I had bird flu the other day. I even showed him the mosquito bite. He laughed really hard, I think he thought I was kidding.

Hope you feel better! Eats lots of oranges.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Poobomber - As a Calgarian it's my duty to hate Edmonton, and thanks

Surviving - I heard that too, now I'm checking for all symptoms!

Ringleader - SARS would suck

Falw - I HATE Web MD. It made me think I had cancer. Total MK FAIL for me. Loved the joke, although when my boss asked what I was laughing at I had to lie.

Dr. Z - The Zibbs-linking was successful, thank you Doctor

Paula - Glad to hear I wasn't the only failure

Angela - The problem isn't that I don't understand, it's that I just don't care (bonus points for guessing the movie!)

RS27 - Ebola and Amway, sounds like an 80s punk band, no?

Bloodred - those sneaky bastards

Maxie - ugh it's the worst

my Imaginary friend - It's what you get when drinking unpurified water yuck

m in sf - unfortunately I think you have to actually sell something to get one of those

Poobomber - ahahahhhaha

nrichie - thanks! Manservants are the best, if you can find one. So I hear.

Matt - old ladies are sneaky like that

Lyla Lou - what? He didn't send you straight to emergency? that bastard

pistols at dawn said...

Wait, you have a 90 year old's body? I have got to start hitting on you more.

I mean, I looooove butterscotch candies, grandma.