Friday

Almost as Bad as Falwless' Blue Post*

Good lord I can't believe I'm admitting this. Ok, I signed up on a dating website - yes I know sad right? It seems to be the thing to do lately, so after several friends signed up they convinced me that it was a "fun!" and "interesting!" thing to do. So I did.

I am sort of seeing O/N but I've learned to never put all your eggs in one basket (or is it counts your chickens before they hatch? One of the cliched, overused terms fits here I'm sure).

So far I've had Great Success (like Borat). If great success means a bunch of douche bags email with such witty repartee as: "Hey babe wanna msg me?" and "your hot lets met". There was also this gem in my mail box this morning: "hey lookin for a little love just somethin on the side summer fun" from a married fellow with a picture of his 6 pack looking slightly deteriorated.

I don't know about you but I love being the little somethin on the side for summer love. I'm sure his wife approves too.

The reason I joined was to avoid douche-baggery and cheesy pickup lines at the bar - is that too much to ask? Also, to have a good laugh at all the stupid idiots out there who really think emailing a girl three words (hottie lets chat) is going to render her quivery with desire and immediately she'll respond with a "your place or mine?". Obviously it must work for some guys or they wouldn't all still be doing it.

I don't think the whole internet dating thing is for me. I guess I'll stick to meeting guys at the bar, drooling on their sleeves while trying to shove a drink in my hands and incoherently mumbling sweet-nothings at my cleavage. Isn't that how everyone found the man of their dreams?

*Laugh at
Falwless' Blue Post Here

17 comments:

nrichie2345 said...

well at least you gave it a try! it's gotta be better than the pathetic creepers at the bar that actually think they have game. Why is it so hard to find decent boys?

Falwless said...

Oh dear. Quite possibly on your way to Loserville with me, here, Alice.

Seriously, though, I've done a couple of those websites in the distant past. It was more comedic than anything. One time a user messaged me with the very clever, simple message: "42 black."

I emailed him back, "You sunk my battleship."

People are fucking retarded. I don't even get it. Like, you're trying to find a match? Don't you think you would go to some lengths to, oh, I dunno, say, spell-check your profile, or write more than a 3-word e-mail opener? I could go on for days with this. I cannot wait to see your responses. Keep us updated!

Angela said...

I guess you've gotta dig through all the crap to find a gem of a guy. If you really want to...

Stilettos and Nostalgia said...

I agree with falwless...not spell-checking your profile is a no-no for me, too. Definitely a dealbreaker. Online dating is the devil. At least if they're muttering sweet nothings into your cleavage you're getting some lip action (if they're close enough). Unnghhhh. You know where you meet great men? In other countries. Damn those bastards.

Dr Zibbs said...

How do you know the guy was married? Was the picture torn jaggedly and you could still see a lady's hand that he was holding onto?

pistols at dawn said...

You know, when I told you, "your hot lets met," I was showing you a part of my soul - specifically, the part attached to my junk. And now you shared this - my secret - with all these people?

Maybe I'm not eloquent, or fancy, or well-groomed, but I would still like you to treat my requests to motorboat you with the respect they deserve.

AttachedMama said...

I always wonder with things like that, what if he ends up messaging someone his wife knows? It's a small world out there...

Sarah Elizabeth said...

I am much like you. I have never tried internet dating though. I met some friends recently in California and apparently it is all the rave there. I actually met one girl who does internet dating, but uses the term dating very loosely. She is one of the girls that responds to those 'hottie lets chat' messages with a 'your place or mine'. Interesting right? Who knew she was so normal outside of her internet scandals...

surviving myself said...

Do they tell your boobs they have a nice personality?

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Oh Gawd I know what you mean!
The biggest douchebags are online, no joke!

SPARSELY KATE said...

internet dating sucks. and I should know, I'm right now in the middle of it myself.

I think the only way to really get a bloke is to bail him up against the cereal aisle at your local supermarket. nothing else seems to work!

Paula said...

My ex went on a dating website so i decided to give one a try too (although I chose a free one rather than one you had to pay sixty five quid for, like him!) and two days of cheesy chat up lines via email left me exhausted, couldn't be doing with it. I still have the profile as i couldnt work out how to get rid of it, but i made it private. (Was gratified at the number of responses I had been getting though). That being said, I'm awful at being chatted up in bars, so i'll have to stick to my failsafe (NOT!) technique of getting involved with co-workers . . .

poobomber said...

There's much easier ways to get guys.

I used to live in Cowtown myself for about a decade, so I can be really specific with my advice!

1. Head to Prince's Island Park and pretend you broke a roller blade. While being naked.

2. Head to Steven Avenue and pretend you broke a roller blade. While being naked.

3. Head to Nose Hill park and pretend you broke a roller blade. While being naked.

4. Head to Fish Creek Park and pretend you broke a roller blade. While being naked.

5. Head to Ranchmans on McLeod Trail and pretend you're drunk and need a ride home. No nudity required.

Bert Bananas said...

Having been married a total of 33 years, but yet having taken the time to be a debonair bachelor while still at the height of my prowess (a prowess is a male prow, right?) you'd think I'd have something intelligent to say about how to find a decent male. I don't.

But what I do have to say is this: Having standards limits you, but your children will thank you. Maybe. If they watch enough After School Specials... But yeah, women with standards totally turn me on.

ÄsK AliCë said...

nrichie - you're telling me! I think decent boys don't exist. I'm going for Men from now on.

Fawless - Fabulous reply - bet he had no clue what you were talking about! Also, spell-check is not hard to use, gawd people are incompetant!

Angela - I'm sick of digging, screw it! He can come to me...

S&N - I need to travel again it seems. Actually, you're right they hide in other countries.

Dr. Zibby-Zabby - His profile said Status: Married. Pretty clear sign I'd say.

Pistols - Next time you ask to motorboat maybe you could not already have your face in my boobs? Just saying.

attachedmama - Ya no kidding, guys are morons

Sarah Elizabeth - That IS strange...and dangerous, no?

Surviving myself - If only they were so eloquent

Ringleader - I concur

Sparsely Kate - This sounds like a great idea! I'll just bat my eyelashes and ask for help reaching something high up

Paula - ah yes, co-workers. A messy web we weave. Love it!

Poobomber - All GREAT ideas! I'll try that out this weekend. Now where did I put my brken rollerblade, saved for just such occasions...?

Bert - they have to form a coherent sentence. Too much to ask??

erin said...

If it's Lavalife, I can give you my running list of Calgary-area douchebags so you can block them before they have a chance to ruin your dating outlook forever.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Erin - Nope, I use Plenty of Fish although I'm sure the same creeps hang out at both?!