Monday

Buckle up, Alice

Bahaha. I'm so awesome. I plug an awesome blogger on the same day that I take over for her while she's on vacation. I'm SHAMELESS.

Ahem.

Hi everyone. If you didn't guess by the blatant guest-postery, it's Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster, taking over yet another unsuspecting blog with my propaganda of wiener dogs, suburbs, common-law marriage and other genuinely un-20-something characteristics. Would it help to know that I'm listening to Girlicious as I write this?

By the way, who exactly is it that wants to be like them? I think that's a crucial missing detail in their shiteous song. I think it would be more accurate if it was the Pussycat Dolls singing the song to Girlicious. And even then, I think I'd be embarrassed for everyone involved.

Back to business.

It just so happens that Alice is visiting my neck of the woods this week. For that reason, I think there's no better time than the present to describe the dream date that I would have taken her on. Why aren't we doing said date? Because the lure of the swimming pool has left me hungover with a taste of heatstroke. I suck. However, one day our paths will cross and at least we'll have a plan. So without further ado...

10:30am - Meet for brunch. This is important because I don't do meal-skipping. I needs my breakfast and Alice does too. I've decided that. We will eat many things covered in Hollandaise sauce.

12:00pm - What's that? It's now socially appropriate to drink? OKAY! We'll grab a quick beer on a nice patio before strolling the shops. Spending is better when a little looped.

1:30pm - My credit card craves abuse because he has low self esteem and it makes him feel validated. Therefore, we will go and buy clothes that are part slutty and flashy, part old time class. During this activity, we will make blatant passes at each other by commenting on each other's assets and maybe flashing some boob. Depends how the beer went down.

4:00pm - Beer makes us sleepy so we put on an awesome show like this and fall asleep for a bit. Growing drunks need their rest in order to make it through the sort of night that we deserve.

7:00pm - Time to run out and grab a light dinner and about 18 martinis each before heading home to get ready for the late shift.

9:00pm - Drink copious amounts of alcohol while showering and getting our hurr did. In Halifax, it's not cool to get to the bars before midnight since they're open until four. Must. Get. Soused. Beforehand.

12:30am - Stumble to a bar. Any bar. Or restaurant. Or video store. Whatever establishment that we can make it to without getting turned away.

1:00am - 4:00am - This time slot is appropriately foggy. We will do what we please, we will make poor choices and we will pay for them in the morning

9:00am - Wake up. Realize we are still drunk. Realize that we (hopefully) did not sleep together. Vomit. Never want to see each other again.

10:00am - Blog about it.

9 comments:

Maxie said...

Ben, if this is your go-to date when you meet up with bloggers I am SO coming to visit you.

Dr Zibbs said...

About halfway through - you wake up from your dream and look up to see me (dressed in my top hat and tails), tap dancing down the steps with Alice. I flick you a quarter.

Falwless said...

hahahahahaha @ Dr. Z.

This was beautiful. Truly. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, we should totally go on one of these terrible(y awesome) dates.

(Un)popular said...

Yes, you would definitely have to blog about it. I would like to compare each of your take on how the date went.

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Wow you just described my dream date!
Maybe I need to take a trip to your neck of the woods???

rs27 said...

It's hurr did? I thought it was herr did.

I blame Missy Elliot

ÄsK AliCë said...

Um, perfect day?!

I think so

Hope you're feeling better!!

surviving myself said...

She is really missing out. If I'm ever in Canada, you better take me on one of these.

Living Juice said...

I need more of the guest blogger.. Funny Shit!

Oh just one thing, 9:30am should have been "Open beer"...

And possibly social drinking start's when socially interacting.. Morning champane in tall flute with rose pedal's...

But then again it's your date. FUNNY!