I'll Go With Bachelor # ... Nevermind, Pass Me the Wine

After reading this little post on Carmen's blog, I've decided to do my own roundup of useless internet dating idiots.

I've now been on the site for a few months and have yet to meet anyone decent or even semi-decent (I've actually yet to meet anyone at all in person). This may or may not be because of the running inner monologue I have that starts something like:

"Alright, let's see what poor sap messaged me today"

I'm not cruel. If someone says something interesting, I'll write them back. It's just that they can never hold my interest past two messages or if I eventually give them my msn name (2 guys so far).

So let's see what I've got in my in-box today:

Bachelor #1
Subject line: cuttie
Message: are you from calgary how long have you been

Well moron, how long have I been what? If I'm from Calgary then obviously I've "been" my whole freaking life. I'm not sure what cuttie means but let's just reiterate that I'm not Emo so no, no I don't.

Bachelor #2
Subject line: hi there
Message: i'm ****** and if age isn't an issue for u, i was wondering if i'd be someone of interest to you as i truely found ur profile and pic equally attractive...

Here's another Douchetastic winner. Hey Mister, if "ur" 43 you may want to learn how to spell because I found your use of the English language "truely" appalling.

Bachelor #3
Subject line: boo
Message: hey...well i was reading your profile...and i know movies are not for you on the first what about the race track?...but it might be closed right now... so im good with a swim to the moon

Where to begin with this one...let's start with the over usage of the ellipsis. If you aren't sure how to punctuate, don't just fill in any empty spots with dots. It's called Grade Two - perhaps you should make your way back there? Also, what the hell is a swim to the moon? Is that what the kids are calling sex these days? Because if so, I'm not buying. Perv.


LYDIA said...

Alice! Or should I say "cuttie"...

I love this post!

Love, love, love! I would definitely go with Bachelor #1!

This post reminds me of something I love, Crappy Childrens Artwork:

LYDIA said...

Sorry, haven't figured out how to leave a link in a comment yet :(

Franki said...

Ha! Popped over here from Pistols@Dawn. It's posts like these that keep me from internet dating. Very funny, but scary. I'll just stay in my room.

well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

swim to the moon.
i googled it.
because i really didn't understand. and well, i feel the need to understand everything.
he either wants you to do laps at a swimming pool with him, and add up the distance each time you go, and eventually, if you guys go enough, you will have swam the distance to the moon.
he wants to go back in time and take you back in time to this 2 part play called Jim Morrison is Swimming to the Moon, which was playing in 2007.
he's singing the doors to you.
he wants sex.
and considering this is online dating, sex is totally the front runner.

Poobomber said...

The way I understand it, a "swim to the moon" means "Scrabble". Or maybe "lots of pointless humping". One or the other. said...

Wow. Just, wow.
Also having done the internet dating thing I feel we need to write an ATTN: MEN EVERYWHERE
If you refer to me as any of the following: sexy, sexxie, baby, hun, etc. when contacting me for th efirst will not get a response.
The same goes for using "ur," "wat up" and the number 2 for the words to and too.


Talk about winners.

Mermanda said...

Been there. Done that.

If you have ever had a myspace profile, you might know that listing yourself as "single" is like inviting every creep in the universe to comment on your photos and try to convince you it is a good idea to meet in real life upon the first message.

Not. So. Much.

Del-V said...

Go to the race track. That place is freaking awesome.

Single in Vancouver said...

Oh my goodness! This is a hilarious post and so true. My girlfriend and I joined Plenty of Fish the other night and have been entertaining each other with our finds ever since. These dating sites are in serious need of spell check!

Dr Zibbs said...

Alice you're on the Facebook? I wish you were my friend. Also, "douchetastic" - classic.

Angela said...

And also, racetrack? That means he's a gambler. Which means if you dated him he'd steal your money.

Ashley D said...

Hahahaha a swim in the moon? Is that guy serious? Does he really think he's going to get a girl with that line? Yeah, you've got some real winners there.

pistols at dawn said...

Hey! Swimming to the moon is my best line. Granted, even my best lines only work 1% of the time.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

That is so funny! Slim pickings to say the least.

rs27 said...

Actually if you are from calgary the next question should always be, "how long have you been"

You never know with those Calgarians




the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

One of my friends is currently trying the online dating thing and she's, well, coming up with about as many winners as you.

The other night, apparently, she met this guy, and he mumbled all night long and wouldn't make eye contact with her. Not that he was staring at her chest or anything, just he wouldn't make eye contact.

At the end of the night, the bill came and he announced (loudly...finally), "I guess you're getting a free dinner, huh?"

I don't know why I told you her story. Maybe it's so that you don't feel like you're the only one out there getting losers and morons messaging you. Or because my chemistry isn't working and I'm bored and needed an outlet of some kind. You make the call.

Lyla Lou said...

Bwahahahaha! I love these! I could read these all day.

If you have to start your message "if age isn't an issue for you" that is probably a sign you are too old.

words words words said...

Clearly, I should try internet dating. My basic English skills will automatically put me in the top 10%!

I think "swim to the moon" means buttsecks.

Megkathleen said...

Seriously, what is wrong with people and poor grammar! Those emails are apalling.

pj said...

'Where to begin with this one...let's start with the over usage of the ellipsis.'

oh man... i do that all the time. it is just a reflex... i guess i should .. just stop with that... eww, i did it again... darn it .. i can't stop...

Essentially Me said...

Ugh. Disastrous!

Carmen said...

Hey there cuttie... it looks like the same guys that e-mail you are the ones that e-mail me.

The guys who can't spell you're and you... and are old enough to be our fathers.

Losers... the world is full of losers... gah.

Anonymous said...

I would love to know if and how you respond to these creeps.

Kez said...

Wow, what a selection of winners you've got there!

So@24 said...

"Subject line: cuttie"

wtf is a "cuttie"?

I should send you the emails I send out to girls and NEVER get responses to. You can tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Falwless said...

Damn this is awesome. Totally reminds me of when I did the innernets dating thing several years back. It was so terrible I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So instead I wrote a webpage making fun of all the responses. It's not on the innernets any longer but maybe I'll have to cut and paste some of it in a post now that you've reminded me.

BeckEye said...

Preach on, sister.

I especially love the desperate assholes on those sites who send you the same super-long message 15 times in one month, which they're obviously saving, cutting and pasting and sending to every girl within a 50 mile radius of them. It's usually always something like, "I am a down to earth guy who is tired of playing games..." I forget how the rest of it goes because my eyes glaze over to the point where I can't read anymore.

brookem said...

a swim to the moon?! seriously?


yeah, there's some doozies on there. like "humble greg" who proposed marriage to me in his first message. sweet!

Emma said...

I love your reactions to the poor spelling and poor punctuation... (that was an ironic elipsis by the way!)

What's a cuttie? Do you think he meant cutie?

Anyhoo love this post!

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, internet dating, this is my experience so far:

Dungeekin said...

Well - linked here from Nuttycow, and what a post to start on!

I met 'The Darling G' through uDate - she'd put up an alliterative profile using nothing but 'F's, in order to weed out those who would automatically use the first 'F' that came into their minds.

As far as I can recall, I went for something like 'Fair, facially fine - please don't force me to f*** off or I'll get frustrated and fretful'.

We just celebrated our third anniversary last month.

We're not *all* sex-obsessed morons on internet dating sites, y'know!

Liking the Blog, must subscribe.


Jolene said...

THIS is priceless!! I found you from Bloggers in Sin City (I'll be there! I'm - Jolene) - hysterical post!