Tuesday

Post Secrets


In the darkened room I could feel his breath, so close it made me shiver. I was already cold enough. I had come in here looking for a sweater. I sat at the very edge of the bed. Naively waiting for him to find me a sweater. Instead he found me.

He had been trying to kiss me all night. I had been pushing him away. It's hard to push a man that is ten years older, and a good hundred pounds heavier then you but I tried. My boyfriend was at home. Studying.

I tried to tell my friends I didn't want to come here, didn't care about impressing the older guys. I had snuck out, my parents don't know where I was or that I was even gone. We had gone to the bar, my friend had run into these guys her sister knew and now here we were at their house.

My friends conveniently disappeared with two guys, leaving me with the ex-bouncer. We played pool, I tried to be standoffish. I tried to tell him about my boyfriend. He didn't care, he thought it was all a game.

Now here I am in his room. I feebly ask if he's found me a sweater. The lights go out. I remember the bay window, the wooden slats letting in the faintest light. I remember wondering how it had ended up like this. I stood up. I tried to walk away.

He was too fast, he was too strong. I was nothing against him. Trying to pull my jeans up, trying to fend him off, tears rolling down my face but I couldn't bring myself to yell, to scream and hit him. He could have killed me with one hand.

Finally a knock at the door. I grabbed my clothes and wiped my eyes. I calmly went to the living room. I didn't say a word. I hated him. I hated them. I hated myself.

I was seventeen years old.

25 comments:

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Was this you??
Fuck, that is terrible. :(

Paula said...

Man, this is awful. I don't understand why some guys feel the compulsion to take advantage of girls in this way - to use their strength and weight as a weapon. I don't know if I can ever get my head around it.

Kez said...

Something similar happened to me when I was 18. It was the violation of trust that was the worst. I felt like it was my fault and because I was able to fend him off and go home I felt that I couldn't talk about it.

Some Guy said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine suffering from this kind of cruelty. You have to be pretty sick to be capable of this kind of abuse.

Shannon said...

This breaks my heart.

Angela said...

Omg, holy fuck. I'm so sorry this happened to you. What a secret to carry around. Wow.

Alexa said...

oh no.

Essentially Me said...

Such bullshit. People who are like this should be hung by their balls.

Mermanda said...

How awful! I'm so sorry.

Jade said...

There is so much evil in the world. You are courageous for fighting.

Suz said...

I have no words. Only a mixture of anger and sadness. Thanks for sharing!

Chele said...

Heartbreaking, whoever this secret belongs to (I assume it is the secret blog swaps) I am so sorry this happened to you.

Jon said...

Holy crap that's terrible.

BloodRedRoses said...

Reading this broke my heart.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

This is terrible, and even worse because you're the fourth person I've heard tell a very similar story. It makes me so angry.

well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

i get so mad at.. society i suppose, when i hear stories like this.. they deserve caps lock swearing: FUCKFUCKFUCK.

but sweetheart, i am ohh so sorry. i adore you.

pistols at dawn said...

Well, hating him is pretty understandable. Here's hoping you've at least forgiven yourself for not doing anything wrong.

Falwless said...

Holy shit. Wow. I'm so sorry this happened, Alice. At least I'm assuming this is a true story?

Wow, girl. Wow.

:(

slopmaster said...

yea, sucks, BUT nothing actually happened right? I mean, you got away. That's good. It could have been worse.

slop

LYDIA said...

So recently I have found myself crying over nothing. I am embarrassed by it a bit. This post brought tears to my eyes...

If it is true, I am really sorry.

Stephanie said...

:( That was horrible.

Braja said...

Can you confirm that this is true?

ÄsK AliCë said...

Yes, this is true, this happened

There is much more to it and yet it really is that simple

Braja said...

that's really too bad. i'm sorry...really...

Sarah Elizabeth said...

These stories are awful to hear, but it is great that you have an outlet to share them. Although I have not had an experience like this, I can imagine that talking about it can only help.