Joy, Green Cards and How Calgary Has Officially Turned into Seattle

I haven't really written anything since Vegas because compared to that, life seems pretty tame these days. It's been raining here for about 8 years straight, I'm not sure when I moved to Seattle but apparently I have. The problem with this is that I only work when it's nice outside so I've worked maybe 6 shifts total in the last 2 week. 6 shifts does not a millionaire make.

Instead of being productive with all my free time, I spent some time when I got back uploading LOST episodes and other illegal things.

At one point, when I was waiting for my mesozoic computer to load, a flashy sign came up and told me I won a real live American Green Card! I mean, that's pretty much like Christmas, Labor Day and Halloween all rolled into one. So basically if Jesus dressed up as a resurrected cheerleader vampire and gave birth to himself (side note - what the hell is Labor Day?) it would be almost as awesome as my Green Card.

Now I can travel to Arizona!

(Too soon?)

Top things I would do if I was American:

3. Call the washroom a bathroom
2. Laugh when people call us "the States" because obviously we are America (even though technically so is Canada...and Mexico...and all of South and Central AMERICA but whatevs I mean details here people)
1. Make fun of Canadians

I guess that's really all that would change.

For now though, I'll be content being Canadian and saying eh! and drinking piss water Molson Canadian.

The other good part about not working a lot this month is that I have plenty of time to do The Joy Equation. I was lucky enough to meet Molly in person and trust me, she is every bit as bubbly and optimistic as she seems.

If you haven't heard of Molly's program or her amazing website, go check it out. I got my Joy Equation in the mail super quick and am so excited to get started. If you've ever thought you need to recenter, refocus, regroup and figure out what you want from life - which is exactly where I'm at these days - you should definitely look into it.

I have 3 months to go until I start traveling, first to the US and then down to Central America, my life has never been so up in the air. Well except maybe that time when I realized my 3rd grade boyfriend didn't want to marry me on the playground...

Jackass.

Not to Mention the Pool, The Parties, The Gambling and I Mean Too Much Awesome to Fit Into A Suitcase

Like, I mean, here's what I looked like at the start of Vegas:

(@lelandstrott and @Jennbizzle - I effing heart you ladies like, pink elevator, rainbow heart you)

And here's basically what I look like now:

Except for that bump looks more like @ihatesomuch's concussed head.

Well, ok - maybe I look more like this:

I lay by the pool for about 6 billion hours on Monday and have the burn to prove it. See the red/white line? Representing Canada - hollaaaaa (@Lbluca77 - that's actually Hallaa to us Canadians, right?) and ya I'm totally in a washroom - and I didn't bathe in it.

Some favorite memories?

I picked up so many Americanisms - @ChelsTalksSmack put it best when she said: "I mean, I need to stop saying I mean before everything. Especially since I'm talking to myself. #BiSC has changed me" - because yes, I KEEP saying it.

@Lbluca77 may have made fun of my accent, but in a way that made me laugh-cry. I miss your face!

Discovering that @manderzmusings roommate is a guy I used to work with, how small are you world?

@RSub27's dance moves - let's just say I will be posting a video re-cap interpretive dance style in the very near future

The awesome eyeliner face that was @bboudreau for like 3 days. If your guyliner doesn't want to be removed it won't be removed. Trust.

Real! Vegas! Strippers! with @mandymooreblogr - girl you are a character. PS - I dare you to ask her about Chat Roulette.

Lunch at Margaritaville with awesome amazing bloggers while debating doing the scavenger hunt because we were all rainbow hungover. (I did and it was fabulous)

Also, my bikini bottom for sure fell off in front of a random guy on my way to the bathroom. So I did what any normal person would do, I nonchalantly scooped it up and said "That's mine"

I mean, thanks Captain Obvious.

My beautiful roommates who packed my suitcase for me and were all around amazing. Even though we didn't spend that much time together, I adore you all.

(@aliceaveragelnd @manderzmuings @staceyparadise @lelandsrott)

The awesome hilarious fake retweet shenanigans, and when @RSub27 stole @LivItLuvIt's phone to post this: "@RSub27 is so hot. If I didn't have a bf I would sex him"

Walking through the Bellagio and New York, New York with @nicolerelyea on the last day. Honestly I'm so glad I got to hang out with you, even if I started feeling particularly stabby when you left, I recovered nicely I think.

Shots with Ali (do you twitter Ali?!) and @kathleenparkerb while she tried to keep her mustache on

The Sex Toy Closet in @nicoleisbetter and group's room. One word: Sextastic (thanks Toy With Me!)

Meeting @Lelandstrott on the very first day, enjoying a delicious drink (or two with her before the shenanigans began. You are amazing and your deliriously excited disposition is contagious. You saved my life mama!

Laugh-crying at the Princess story (Just ask Leland to tell you her favorite/least favorite childhood/adult story) and how @jamievaron and I managed to turn this map:

into a story about a clitoris. Because, I mean, who wouldn't see a vagina there? "And THIS huge area - that's where men THINK the clit is" Story-time WIN.


Also when the security at the airport randomly checked my purse and found the stripper cards @RSub27 and I meticulously organized into most hot to least hot, and then security pulled out my brand new We-Vibe (ummm thanks again @ToyWithMe!) and raised an eyebrow at me while asking: "Have fun in Vegas?"

Um yes, yes I did...


PS - This post was brought to you by my left index (AND middle) finger, so not one finger, but two and also with a little help from my right index finger - you know to hit the shift key. And the Enter key, FTW!

Camping, Long-Johns and The Dumb Laws "They" Think Up

In Calgary there's this great little tradition that happens every May long weekend. Almost everyone young and lots of people who aren't, go camping.

I'm sure this is a common theme pretty much everywhere.

The difference is that in Calgary, for May-long, it snows. It is pretty much almost guaranteed to snow or at least rain. Not the pretty sunshiny frolicking in the fields and weaving daisies in your hair rain.

No, it's wet, heavy, gross rain. The kind that makes you wonder if maybe the apocalypse is coming and then you thank the sweet baby jebus that you said grace that one time when Aunt Mildred had the bubonic plague or laryngitis or whatever and so couldn't say it herself and forced you to think of stuff to say although you're pretty sure your family already thinks you're the anti-christ so really what does it matter if you botch up saying thank-you?

Amen

Most people are prepared for this and bring all their best winter-preparation tools: hats, gloves, down-filled sleeping bags, matches, long-johns (ladies, you're going to want to click that link - that dude makes even something as dorky as long wool underpants look hot), wool socks (one for the boys), flares, a portable generator, 6 gallons of whiskey and a few flashlights. You know, standard camping gear.

I've for sure gone camping with girls who have been all "ohemgee, look at my adorable little pink sleeping bag - it rolls into a neat little ball and fits in my pocket! Let me just put it in my teensy suitcase beside my tiny string bikini!" only to have her ending up zippering my sleeping bag together with hers so she could get a modicum of heat.

Guys? Where were you on that trip?!

Apparently the Provincial and National parks here - like Banff National Park, Kootenay Park, Castle Mountain, Yoho, Tunnel Mountain, basically all the good places to go camping - have banned liquor this year.

BANNED LIQUOR

\%W^*@^T$@!)(F*&%%$?!!

Seriously, what the shit? I'm not even sure that's legal. How can you take away something as life-sustaining, especially during cold days, as booze?

I mean sure, it's all sunny and good now but just you wait People-Who-Made-This-Dumb-Law, when that snow inevitably falls on May long this year, when those people out enjoying hooliganism and tom-foolery realize that they can't have a beer while camping?!

You'll all be in big trouble. I mean, that's like outlawing winter tires.

Getting Rid of Junk

So, for some reason I started to feel all Spring-cleany yesterday, which is a really good thing because I haven't done a thorough clean since I moved in, in January. Meaning I've been living out of suitcases - one with shirts, one with skirts and one with random junk all thrown in together.

Because I'm organized like that

Then I realized I need my suitcase next week, and thus began my maniacal cleaning. I think I did at least 8 loads of laundry - the plus side being that I finally cleaned out my closet and the clothes that I never wear will finally get a new home.

Of course I still have entirely too many clothes but I went from having two normal sized closets at my old place, to having one small-ish closet here so I had to be creative with where I put my clothes.

My main closet holds my dresses and the jeans/pants that I opted to keep.

I have skirts in the front entrance closet and all my jackets and blouses, skirt suits and blazers at the back door, like where guests are supposed to hang their shiz.


Luckily I found this wire rack that manages to hold my sweaters well (note my makeshift bookshelf beside it - that's because I use my actual bookshelves for an entirely different purpose):

I'm going to have to either give these all away or plan on letting them collect dust, I don't think I'll need a hundred sweaters in Costa Rica.

Do you ever go through your closet and have a conversation that goes somewhat like this?:

"Self, do you really need to keep this {random article of clothing} that you haven't worn since {like seriously sometimes High School which is 8 YEARS ago}"

"But self! Wouldn't it be perfect for {some dumb thing that happens once a year}?!"

Then you throw it back in the closet, never to be worn or even thought of until the next time you try to clean your closet. Well this time I said "Eff it! If I haven't worn it in a year, I'm giving it away."

And this is what I ended up putting in the donation pile:

Well actually, these are just the jeans and pants.

I also threw out 12 pairs of old shoes, they were all old and in a state of disrepair, but it was still sad.

And speaking of shoes, here's what I use my bookshelves for:


I love me some shoes

Kinky Turkey Sex, Live Eels and The Reason(s) I'm Still Single

I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth.

A lot.

I also say completely inappropriate things at totally inappropriate times.

For example, at a hauty- toity wine tasting at the Petroleum Club here the other day, the wine rep at one of the fancy wine booths said "this one will hit you hard..." and before he even finished I said (louder than intended) "that's what he said!"

As the rep finished:"...with jammy raspberry and plum"

And everyone looked at me awkwardly while I swallowed a huge gulp of wine. Mmm jammy. The end.

So I started texting this boy recently and we were talking about our respective jobs:

Alice: "bla bla something about security guards"
Boy: "Actually I'm undercover, like a secret shopper"
Alice: "So you follow people around all non-chalantly making sure they don't shove a turkey in their pants?"
Boy: "Haha ya exactly, you sound like an expert"
Alice: "No, I just try to get away with shoving turkey in my pants every now and then"

Wait, what!?

Alice: "I mean in a not sexual way. I'm not into that kinky turkey sex"
Boy: "...just the regular kind?"

Yes. I enjoy regular turkey sex. Good lord I'm an idiot.

I won't even get into how I managed to send him a message that said:

"Please never put a live eel in my bum"